Instead of that updated batch of intros which you so richly deserve, I can but offer this—a FAQ with everyone's favorite ombudsman, Andy! Now with more Latin!
IT'S JUST WORDPLAY: What's with the kittens?
Andrew Levy: I don't know what that means. What's with YOU?
What was with the shirt change in between halftime and post-game a couple weeks ago?
I knew you needed questions for this FAQ.
What's the most rewarding part of being an ombudsman?
After each show, when Greg says, "Good job, Good work Andy, I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
Do you know the definition of ombudsman?
Is it true your nickname is "The Punnisher?"
Quid est veritas?
Did you give yourself that nickname?
Nemo tenetur seipsum accusare.
How did you get involved with the show?
We were introduced at a party by Dat Ho, who was Greg's Vietnamese houseboy at the time, and we hit it off. We went to dinner a few days later - it turned out we both love a little Italian. (In my case, Marty Scorsese.)
Do you get nervous before you go on air?
It depends - how much have I had to drink?
What color is Greg's basement?
Before or after?
Is Alison your favorite?
It's okay I guess - I'm not a huge Elvis Costello fan. Though I do like the album he did with Allen Toussaint. Since you asked, I am a huge Radiohead fan, though.
No, Alison Rosen, you asshole!
I don't see "surnames." Or the South American Republic of "Suriname." Luckily I'm not in the market for bauxite, so this isn't as huge a deal as you might think.
Anything else you wish I'd asked?
Instead of that updated batch of intros which you so richly deserve, I can but offer this—a FAQ with everyone's favorite ombudsman, Andy! Now with more Latin!
Welcome to Red Eye. It's like Deliverance but with more squealing.
Luciana Gimenez, if beauty were a slow ketchup bottle, I'd flip her over and slap that bottom.
Doug Giles, if brians were a bumper sticker, he'd be stuck to my rear.
Jim Morris, if hilarity were a noisemaker, I'd blow him on New Years.
Margaret Hoover, if beauty and cogent commentary were Gumby, she'd love a little pokey.
Luciana Gimenez, If beauty were a door knocker, I'd bang her repeatedly until someone came to my assistance.
Jim Morris, if brains were a needle, he'd be a little prick.
Tia Williams, if celebrity gossip were a bakery, I'd stop by to sniff her buns.
Margaret Hoover, if brains and beauty were the splits I'd do her in a leotard.
Red Eye starts as soon as I finish my knitting. Wool thongs don't itch, do they?
Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Friday Night Lights, but we skip right to the showers.
Will Durst, if hilarity were a crossword puzzle, I'd do him on a toilet.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.
Drew Curtis, if incisive commentary were an electric fan, I'd let him blow me in hot weather.
Anna Gilligan, if beauty and talent were a keg, I'd tap her at a party and share her with friends.
Kimberly Bell, if sexiness were a carousel we'd all wait in line to ride her.
Andrew likes to cut the brake cables of school buses with his good friend Peter Falk (Andy: CBo don't like whiny little brats, Greg)
Will Durst, if with and wisdom were my nose he'd be sitting on my face.
Drew Curtis, if brains were a delightful breakfast I'd eat him in bed.
Noelle Hancock, if beauty were a broken vending machine I'd bang her until she gave me what I wanted.
Sprague Grayden, if sexiness were a Matzo ball, I'd eat her on Passover
Debra Weeks, if hot video were chocolate syrup I would squirt her all over my body.
Red Eye starts as soon as I finish making this sex tape. Ready or not, Eduardo, here I come. Kidding of course! I'm totally hetero.
Welcome to Red Eye, it's like The Hills but without the burning and itching.
Courtney Friel, if beauty were acne she'd be all over my shoulders and back.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick. Wearing French cuffs today I might add.
Michael Loftus, if hilarity were a pogo stick I'd bounce up and down on him all day.
Kevin Godlington, if perceptive commentary were potatoes, I bet he'd be great in the sack.
Will Leitch, if intelligence were biscuits and gravy I'd go down South just to eat him.
To the Gregalogue, it has a sandbox for kids.
Andy likes to lure and then abandon children into the woods with his close friend Peter Falk. (Andy: CBo loves the Brothers Grimm)
Courtney Friel, if beauty were an onion I'd cry while chopping her to pieces
Michael Loftus, if hilarity were cheerios I'd eat him for breakfast every morning probably with sliced bananas and lots of milk dribbling down my delightful chin.
Bobbie Sue Luther, it talent were the moon astronauts would travel hundreds of thousands of miles just to probe her.
Will Leitch, if intelligence were a trashcan, I'd toss my junk in him.
Red Eye starts as soon as I unlock this cage. Who knew bondage gear could be so technical?
Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Countdown but without the cleansing mixture of vinegar and water.
Suzanne Sena, if beauty were an ace bandage she'd be all over my joint
Bill Schulz, he's my grotesque sidekick
Greg Proops, if jokes were milk he'd come in a carton. possibly a jug. maybe even a gallon. [fun fact: I meant "'if jokes were milk, he'd come in a carton' or maybe it'd be funnier if it were 'if jokes were milk, he'd come in a jug' or maybe you want to go with 'if jokes were milk, he'd come by the gallon.'" such is the risk in texting intros. then again, this could have been a deliberate choice.]
Jerry Casale, if genius were dentures I'd never take him out of my mouth.
Lis Wiehl, if legal expertise were a broken down car I'd service her on the side of the road.
To the Greg-alogue, it's got a sun roof.
Andy loves to tamper with the brakes on wheelchairs with his good friend Angela Lansbery. (Andy: Abery don't like cripples.)
Suzanne Sena, if beauty were a horse it'd be important to get right back on her if you fell off.
Greg Proops, if jokes were scope I'd gargle with him nightly.
Jerry Casale, if genius were vodka he'd be inside me right now
Lis Wiehl, if legal brilliance were an oath I'd take her in a courtroom.
a site dedicated to the show's writing, particularly the intros, or something more akin to a breathless fan blog? I don't know but here's an interview with Greg that ran on Gothamist today. And stay tuned for another Body Language segment!
Posted by alison at 12:39 PM
Red Eye starts as soon as I finish this cinnabon. oh it's so hot and sticky
Welcome to Red Eye it's like Father Knows Best, and he knows you won't tell anyone
Anna Gilligan, if beauty were a nightclub people would stand in line to get inside her
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick
Mary Katharine Ham if insightful commentary were fiber, I'd eat her to get regular
Jonathan Hoenig if brains were a parking space I'd back into him nightly
David Brenner if hilarity were push ups I'd do him every morning.
To the Gregalogue with 45 percent more raisins.
Andy likes to torch orphanages with his good friend Angela Lansbery (Andy: Abery gets off on the screams.)
Anna Gilligan, if beauty and brains were a magic lamp I'd rub her till I got my wish
Mary Katharine Ham, if intelligence were acrobatics I'd do her on a trampoline
Jonathan Hoenig, if brains were cough medicine I'd swallow him despite the taste, doctors orders
David Brenner, if hilarity were an American flag I'd run him up my pole every morning.
Rachael Leigh Cook, if beauty was a household cleaner I'd keep her away from young children.
Red Eye starts as soon as I disguise this household cleaner as fruit punch. God I hate kids.
Welcome to Red Eye it's like 24 but it's two 12 year olds
Julie Banderas if beauty were a subway I'd ride her after a long night of drinking, probably with my friends.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.
Nick Gillespie, if brains were a video game I'd play with him until my thumbs hurt.
Joe Devito, if jokes were hard candy I'd suck on him while driving.
Dana Vachon, if charm were a giant hoagie I'd have trouble getting him inside my mouth.
to the greg-alogue, there's face painting!
Andy likes to set booby traps for cub scouts with his good friend Angela Lansbery. (Andy: ABery don't like goodie two shoes, yo)
Julie Banderas, if beauty were a necklace made of rotten flowers she'd be a lousy lei
Nick Gillespie, a publication I enjoy reading while loitering near a public restroom dressed as Nick Gillespie
Joe Devito, if jokes were food poisoning he'd keep me up all night moaning.
Dana Vachon, if charm was my prized hummingbird feeder, he'd be well hung and full of seed.
Christine Laken, if talent and beauty were a warm jacket, I'd hang her from a hook in my closet. Read more!
So the other night, and by that I mean last night, Greg used a hilarious intro on Sherrod Small: "If jokes (or whatever) were a squirrel, he'd have my nuts in his cheeks." It got a big laugh, but something about it stuck in my head. You could have colored me rankled. Or slapped my ass and called me rankled. Thankfully I was able to soldier on and turn in my usual genius and really quite beautiful performance, but the minute the show was over, I brought it up. For all of our sakes.
Here's the conversation:
me: that squirrels/nuts intro doesn't really work!
Greg: what do you mean?
me: they wouldn't be YOUR nuts
Greg: what do you mean?
me: it's that part of the intro thing that gets confusing where it has to have a He or a She in it, but it wouldn't have a YOUR in it. why would they be YOUR nuts? they'd just be nuts.
Greg: yeah but--
me: it'd be "if jokes were squirrels, he'd have nuts in his cheeks"
Greg: but what makes it funny is if they're MY nuts. it takes it to that next level
me: yeah, you're totally right. [hanging head] never mind. Read more!
…to make up for the fact that I'm behind on updating the intros. Andy Levy is a musician. Bill Schulz once wrote article where he subjected himself to every medical test out there that remotely made sense for someone his age or that he could convince a doctor to give him. He wrote that article when he worked at Stuff, under then editor-in-chief Greg Gutfeld. Read more!
It helps to know how they originally started. Everything was she's so or he's so. There was she's so hot, she's so sexy, she's so cute, he's so smart and he's so funny. (yes, a crapload of sexism is implied in those gender attributes, but since I'm a woman and I was writing a lot of them, I forgive all of us since to take these seriously is to seriously miss the point. plus, those weren't hard and fast rules, just the way they often broke down. anyway!) Fun fact: one of the first intros which I doubt was written much ahead of time and may have been before Greg used teleprompter was "she's sexier than a sexy sexy sex thing" or something like that. So anyway, the implied or understood part of the intro is "[he's so smart that]" if brains were blah blah blah.
now, on to the intro itself. here is your formula:
If [attribute] were [item/thing], I'd [something suggestive or funny sounding that you'd do to or with that thing].
[he's so smart that] If brains were a hotel minibar, I'd pay too much for a taste of his nuts.
It works because hotel minibars notoriously charge you way too much for a small jar of nuts. And they are HIS nuts, because in this sentence HE is a hotel minibar. But it's one further removed which has the effect of making it less prurient because we aren't even saying HE is a hotel minibar but brains are a hotel minibar. And HE is BRAINS. You know? Guest = Brains = hotel minibar.
I fear I just made something everyone intuitively knows way too complicated. I should write textbooks!
Here is another example:
[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, I'd shove a Q-tip inside him (it works because you do put q-tips in ears)
[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, I'd listen out of him-(it works because you listen with your ears)
[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, I'd hear him-(it doesn't work because you do not hear ears)
[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, children would do him on a playground-(it doesn't work because children do not do ears on a playground, you pervert)
Red Eye starts as soon as I find my talcum powder. Damn this infernal chafing.
Welcome to Red Eye it's like All My Children but without the children.
Courtney Friel, if beauty were a bookcase I'd screw her against the wall.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.
Kira Soltanovich, if hilarity were the SATs, all of her holes would be correctly filled.
Andrew Levy, if sarcasm were sign language, I'd do him with my hands.
Dr. Marc Lamont Hill, if brains were a fishing pond, I'd sink my rod in him.
To the greg-alogue, it's freshly squeezed.
Andy likes to enslave illegals with his good friend Angela Lansbery. (Andy: "ABery don't like to pay for housekeeping, yo.")
Courtney Friel, if beauty were a heat rash, she'd be between my legs.
Kira Soltanovich, if hilarity were a den closet, I'd stick my bowling trophies inside her.
Dawn Yanek, a magazine I enjoy reading while combing the lice out of Bill's hair.
Dr. Marc Lamont Hill, if brains were a donkey, I would ride that ass.
Red Eye starts as soon as I reheat this Hot Pocket, it's been under my bed for a week.
Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Gilmore Girls, but with more tongue.
Patti Ann Browne, if beauty and brains were whiskers, I'd wake up with her on my face.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick
Earthquake, if jokes were ben gay he'd be all over my jock.
Alison Rosen, if wit were an artificial hip, she'd be inside my grandmother's pelvis.
Kevin Godlington, if intelligence were a washing machine, I'd put a dirty load inside him.
To the Gregalogue it's bat and helmet day for those under 14
Andy likes to pummel the elderly with his good friend Angela Lansbery (Andy: ABery don't like competition, yo)
Patti Ann Browne, if beauty were potpourri, I'd stick her in my smelly drawers.
Earthquake, if jokes were a swimming pool I'd splash around in his deep end.
Alison Rosen, if brains were sneakers, I'd make sure her tongue was in the right place and then tie her up.
Kevin Godlington, if bravery were Domino's Pizza, I'd be very frustrated if he didn't come within 30 minutes. Read more!
Hello readers. Just wanted to say that I've been woefully remiss in keeping this up to date this week but that will change soon, I promise. In the meantime I'll share with you some bits of insider info: Andrew Levy goes by "Andy" but regrets that people don't call him "Drew." Not only has Bill Schulz been slapped by Kylie Minogue, but he's related to a revolutionary war hero. And Greg Gutfeld wears his vacation hat even when he isn't on vacation. Read more!
Red Eye starts as soon as I find my teeth. I know I left them somewhere.
Welcome to Red Eye it's like Larry King, but with real hips.
Rebecca Gomez, if beauty were a napkin I'd wipe my mouth with her.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.
Gabrielle Tuite, if hotness were a jigsaw puzzle I would do her on a rainy day, probably on the floor with my niece and nephew.
Kevin Godlington, if charm were osteoperosis he would make old ladies moan.
Mike Baker, if brains were a cheese log, I'd pick at his nuts.
To the Greg-alogue, your name's on the list.
Andy likes to poison water supplies of local neighborhoods with his good friend Gabe Kaplan. (Andy: G Kaps don't like crowds, yo.)
Rebecca Gomez, if cuteness were karaoke, I'd get drunk and then do her.
Gabrielle Tuite, if sexiness were vienna sausages, I'd eat her in the can.
Kevin Godlington, if guts were a sack race, I'd do him at a picnic.
Mike Baker, if brains were a soap dispenser, I'd pump him in the bathroom.
Danica McKellar, if beauty and brains were a baton, she'd be passed around by sweaty men on a track. Read more!
(Note: someday I will get episode numbers and dates. Today is not that day.)
Red Eye starts as soon as I smear this tub of apple butter all over my chest. Oh, like you never tried it.
Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Lou Dobbs without the granny panties.
Anna Gilligan... if beauty were groceries I'd bag her and put her in my trunk.
Bill Schulz, he's not allowed in pet shops.
Amanda Carpenter... a blog I like to read while scraping bone fragments off my boots.
Ralphie May... if jokes sneakers I'd wiggle my toes inside him.
Pat Monahan... if dreaminess were a swing I'd ride him with my legs him in the air.
To the Greg-alogue, pants are half off!
Down to the newsroom where we find Andrew Levy. Andrew likes to drown postman with his good friend Gabe Kaplan.
Anna Gilliagan... If beauty were a basketball I would bounce her up and down and throw her over my head.
Shira Lazar... she has more scoops than 31 flavors and her cones aren't so bad either.
Ralphie May... if hilarity were a baby I'd probably leave him in a sweletering car.
Pat Monahan... if talent were a tongue depressor I'd sound funny with him in my mouth. Read more!
For all the intros that get their moment of filthy glory on air, there are zillions that get emailed back and forth. Here are some:
She's so smart if brains were coins I'd roll her in my bedroom till I was ready to make a deposit
If brains were mosquitos, a little biting and sucking would make him engorged
If brains were textbooks, students would throw him down on the bed and then go have a snack
If brains were my midsection, I'd squeeze him into my jeans
If brains were a butcher counter's service bell. I'd ding him and wait for meat
If brains were a broken down car, I'd service him on the side of the road
If brains were a broken down car, I'd slide under him and begin cranking. Read more!
However when I wrote it, and perhaps it was because I'd been writing them for so long I lost perspective, I thought it was a stroke of pure genius:
He's so smart if brains were a monocle, he'd be on my one eye. Read more!
If brains were karaoke, I'd get drunk and do him.
If brains were a jigsaw puzzle, I'd do him on the floor on a rainy day.
If brains were a cheese log, I'd pick at his nuts.
If brains were a sack race, I'd do him at a picnic.
If brains were a soap dispenser, I'd pump him in the bathroom.
If brains were a soap dispenser, I'd pump him into my hand.
If brains were vienna sausages, I'd eat him in the can.
*most of these used on the Friday Sept 21 episode Read more!
"Red eye starts as soon as I get the blood out of my ventriloquist’s dummy."
guests: D.L. Hughly, Alisyn Camerota, Will Leitch, Tia Williams, James Smith
If beauty were a pinata, I'd hit her with a bat.
If beauty were pizza, I’d have her for dinner and then tomorrow for breakfast.
If hilarity were pin the tail on the donkey, I’d wear a blindfold and aim for the rear.
If good looks were baking soda, she’d soak up foul kitchen odors.
If insightful commentary were cherries, he’d be on top.
If hilarity were a tree, I would carve my initials into his trunk.
If talent were a bicycle, I would bring him to the park at 3am and ride him.
"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like animal planet but with more penetration."
guests: Anna David, John Ziegler, Mercedes Colwin, Kelli Zink, Griff Jenkins, Lynne Koplitz, Nikki Sixx
If beauty were popcorn, I'd have her in a theater.
If legal expertise were a gavel, I'd bang her in a courtroom.
If scoops were champagne I'd pop him on special occasions.
If jokes were landfill, she'd be one hell of a dump.
If beauty were a forest, she would be a source of wood.
If brains were shuffleboard, I would do him on a cruise ship.
If beauty were a mattress, I’d flip her so she stays firm.
If jokes were English muffins, I’d fill her nooks and crannies with butter. Read more!
"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Mr. Belvedere but the pot roast tastes suspiciously like Wesley."
guests: Tia Brown, Chris Rovzar, Kirsten Powers, Courtney Friel
If beauty were a gong I'd bang her repeatedly
If bone structure were cramps I'd have him once a month, am I right ladies?
If charm were inappropriate touching, he'd be my uncle
If brains were mildew, she'd be all over my shower curtain
If cuteness was a Justin Timberlake poster I'd nail her above my bed
If good looks and brains were logs on a fire, I'd poke her repeatedly.
This is Bill, he buys all his clothes at American Girl.
a publication I like to read while washing the blood off my fender
Red Eye starts when they turn the air conditioning down. I'm smuggling raisins here, people.
Red Eye starts when I finish ordering pet birds online. One murder of crows please.
Red Eye starts when I find my pet hamster. Man can those furry little bastards scurry.
Red Eye starts when I finish playing hide and seek. Ready or not Eduardo, here I come.
Red Eye starts when I take something for these cramps.
Red Eye starts when I break the sound barrier.
Red Eye starts when you tell me what's in these delicious muffins.
Red Eye starts now because if I go home first I'm not going back out.
Red Eye starts when you get it through your thick head that I'm a person with feelings too. God, I don't even know you anymore. (I don't even know who you are anymore)
Red Eye starts when you tell me why nothing I do is good enough.
Red Eye starts when I quit feeling sorry for myself.
Red Eye starts when I take trucker speed and clean the floor tiles.
Red Eye starts when I finish making stew.
Red Eye starts when I finish exfoliating.
Red Eye starts when I find the hidden image in this 3D picture. How do I do it again? Unfocus my eyes? What does that even mean?
Red Eye starts when I hide my porn.
Red Eye starts when I finish caulking these tiles.
Red Eye starts when I feng shui (phonetically: fung shway) my aura
Red Eye starts when I take some time to enjoy the view. Okay, I'm done.
Red Eye starts when I ditch this plague of locusts.
Red Eye starts when you tell me what you like best about me. Is it my eyes?
Red Eye starts when I finish taking this purity test. There's like 300 questions, people.
Red Eye starts when I train my toy poodles to smile for the camera.
Red Eye starts when I moisturize my unsightly heals.
Red Eye starts when I finish playing Flight of the Bumblebee on the bugle
Red Eye starts when I catch this spider, put it in cup and set it free outside.
Red Eye starts when I finish frosting my tips
Red Eye starts when I clip my cuticles
Red Eye starts when I remember what I was going to say. I think it was... oh nuts!
Red Eye starts when I find the perfect black cocktail dress.
Red Eye starts when I finish peeling these potatoes.
Red Eye starts when I finish my kegels.
Red Eye starts when I wake up. I'm having that dream where I really have to go to the bathroom again. OH NO!!!!!!!
Red Eye starts when you tell me what color my eyes are. You don't remember? How do you think that makes me feel?
Red Eye starts when you give me back my purse, you brute.
Red Eye starts when I finish writing fan fiction about Starlight Express. I love trains!
Red Eye starts when you quit being so selfish. Would it kill you to ask how *I'm* doing?
Red Eye starts when I get my pumps dyed to match my prom dress.
Red Eye starts when I finish saying goodnight to my stuffed animals.
Red Eye starts when I put my stuffed animals to bed. Hush! You'll wake them! (Hush, you'll wake Mr. Buttons)
Red Eye starts when I finish reading my horoscope.
Red Eye starts when I finish this crossword. Anyone know a four letter word for Richard?
Red Eye starts when I finish this jigsaw puzzle.
Red Eye starts when I put in my eyes.
Red Eye starts when I put on my face.
Red Eye starts when I wipe off this cold cream.
Red Eye starts when I finish moisturizing.
Red Eye starts when I find my pants.
Red Eye starts when the screaming stops.
Red Eye starts when I'm good and ready. I don't appreciate being rushed, people.
Red Eye starts when I finish tenting for termites. They're insatiable.
Red Eye starts when this coat of paint dries. Rust never sleeps, people.
Red Eye starts when I find my fuzzy slippers.
Red Eye starts now, which, in military time, is now.
Red Eye starts when I finish reading this Sweet Valley High book.
Red Eye starts when I finish reading this babysitters club book.
Red Eye starts when the someone tells me what's so funny. Come on guys. Do I have something on my face?
Red Eye starts when I finish photodocumenting the growth process of my baby zucchinis. Have you ever seen anything so adorable?
Red Eye starts when I finish changing all the Ds on my report card to As. Too ambitious? How about B pluses.
Red Eye starts when I figure out how to use the X-ray function on my digital camera.
if brains were a birthday cake people would sing and then I'd blow on him (people would sing while I blew him)
if brains were freeze dried ice cream, astronauts would eat him
if brains were wrinkle cream, I'd wouldn't go to sleep without rubbing him on my face
if brains were finger foods, I wouldn't know how to quit him
if brains were marshmallows, girlscouts would use him to make smores
if brains were cookies, girlscouts would sell him
if brains were a lamp I'd turn him on every night when the sun went down
if brains were collectible beanie babies I'd sell him on ebay
if brains were a sprained ankle I'd baby him
if brains were contacts I'd clean him out and then put him on my eyeballs
if brains were tentacles, he'd be an octopus
if brains were binge drinking, he'd be a sorority house
"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like That's Incredible but it's been downgraded to mildly interesting."
guests: Alicia Quarles, Regan Burns, Kerry Howley, Mike Baker, David Cronenberg
She's so hot she could heat up fish sticks in her armpits.
She's so hot she makes my hair frizz and girlfriend, you don't want to see that.
If jokes were paint thinner, I'd stick my head in a paper bag and sniff him.
If intelligence were a bumper car, I'd ram him repeatedly.
If jokes were pancakes, I'd smother him with butter and then eat him.
If talent were mustard, I'd squirt him on my hot dog.
If brains were romaine lettuce and a nice vinaigrette, I'd toss that salad.
If brains were a roller coaster I'd ride him till I puked
if brains were dice I would go to vegas and roll him
if brains were stamps, nerds would collect him
if brains were stamps his back would be sticky
if brains were scrapes/bruises I'd have him on my knees.
if brains were dice I would blow on him and then roll him Read more!
"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like The Nine, but in the shower it looks like the six."
guests: Julie Banderas, Michelle Collins, Ainsley Earhardt, Dawn Yanek, Jonathan Hoenig
If beauty were marshmallows, boy scouts would roast her over an open fire.
If brains were a lamp I'd turn him on every night.
She's funnier than Funky Winkerbean flashing the Family Circus.
If beauty were herbs I'd rub her on my meat.
If beauty were gray hair Bill Maher would be plucking her from his pelvis.
She's funnier than Luanne beating Cathy to death while a sad Fred Bassett looks on.
If beauty were a pumpkin I would carve her open and scoop out her insides. Read more!
So awesome that if he were standing in between two mirrors it would be infinite awesomeness
So awesome that the only thing that would be more awesome than him would be him surrounded by clones of him
so incredible that it makes other incredible things seem only somewhat spectacular by comparison
so adorable that gnomes, fairies and woodland sprites recently voted her their queen
she's so awesome that if I were to make a list of my top ten awesome things, she'd definitely be in the top five.
She's so magical she can make things disappear in front of your very eyes including but not limited to dignity and pants.
so attractive she creates her own gravitational pull
So magnetic you should keep her away from your hard drive
it's more entertaining than a circus filled with clowns and not those down on their luck sad bum clowns but showered, friendly clowns.
Sweeter than a baby farting in its sleep
she's so awesome/wonderful/whatever/adorably edible that four out of five babies prefer her to melba toast
she's so awesome that four out of five babies prefer her to a bottle
she's so intoxicating that four out of five winos prefer her to a bottle
it's (she's, he's, etc.) so cool that eskimos have 43 words for it (for her, for him, etc.)
so adorable she makes grown men develop a speech impediment
so adorable she makes grown men speak like elmer fudd
so adorable she's makes Wilford Brimley blush
so sweet most pastry chefs prefer her to real sugar (could add: in their recipes)
so sweet that old ladies prefer her to hard candy
so sweet that most housewives prefer her to fresh cut flowers
so legendary that it's rumored that aesop based a number of his fables on him
so legendary that if VH1 did a hundred legendary performers countdown he'd be number 1 through 10.
So good on Good Times that I'm making it my personal mission to have the show's name changed to Great Times.
Good Times? More like Great Times
Good Times? More like Great Times, Mr. Understated Pants
so awesome that if awesomevania had a president, he'd win by a landslide. sadly awesomevania is ruled by unicorns and has no electoral college.
so incredible that I went to see that Disney movie The Incredibles thinking it was going to be about him. It wasn't so I left and saw finding nemo instead.
so charming lucky charms wanted to ditch the leprechaun and make her (or him) their mascot
so amazing that more than one third grader has written a book report about her
so awesome that kids want to bring her in for show and tell
He's so British he puts crumpets on his crumpets
He drives on the left side of the road and keeps dead bodies in the "boot" of his car
So awesome she's more awesome than all other Janices combined including Janis Joplin, Janice Dickinson and Janice from Friends! Read more!
She's so sweet that when a dog sneezes, she says god bless you
She's so sweet that she actually thinks orphans are real children
She's so sweet that she actually thinks parents love all their children equally, teachers don't have favorites, and bill isn't (or I'm not) undressing her with his (my) eyes right this minute
She's so sweet that when we dropped her during the trust fall, she didn't even get mad at us!
She's so sweet that when we had a trust fall before the show and dropped her, she didn't even get mad! Read more!
so smart he's never messed up a game of simon says in his life, not even when he was in preschool!
so smart he was taking AP classes in pre-school
so smart his neck literally aches from holding up his ginormous head
so smart that if this were a movie they'd have to get a computer to play him
so smart that he's never lost a game of computer chess
so smart that people would kill to wear his thinking cap
so smart that he can tell time without consulting a watch, clock or other timepiece
so smart that he does quantum physics for fun
so smart that he smells like raw brainpower
so smart that he reads the dictionary for fun. his favorite letter is B
so smart that he is to intelligence as turtles are to slowness
so smart that he is to intelligence as the guy in my basement (guy I have tied up in my basement) is to not going anywhere-ness
so smart that he does word problems for fun while traveling on a train going West at 70 miles an hour while his brother travels by bus going the opposite direction at 60 miles an hour.
so smart she aced all her finals and all her friends finals
so smart she knows the difference between brads, binder clips, thumbtacks and push pins
so smart he never gets papercuts or hangnails
so smart that his friends call those candies smarties, [guest name]-ies
so smart that ancient sailors used to use nothing more than his mind and a compass to guide their ships to safety
so smart that he actually knows what a stitch in time saves nine means, and he's been applying it to his sewing endeavors for years now
so smart that his pen pals include Stephen Hawking, Father time, a dolphin and yoda
so smart that yoda considers him a mentor
so smart that he's smarter than a guru sandwich with brilliant pickles and shaman sauce served with a side of brainiac chips
He's so smart that he's qualified to give tours in 6 major urban markets including Boston, Chicago and Big Sur
He's so smart that if I ever went on Who Wants to be a Millionaire I would ask him to be my lifeline
He's so smart that he's currently in talks to become the eighth natural wonder of the world
So smart he knows the sine, cosine and tangent of every angle in his house and he doesn't even use a protractor
So smart he knew where babies came from before the stork even delivered him
So smart he eats his dinner on a multiplication table
So smart that in the case of a blackout or emergency you could harness his mental output until help came
So smart that his brain actually gives off heat
So smart that he can crack any code or combination lock
So smart that he can crack any code including morse
So smart his brain could power a small dingy (a yacht or schooner? A cruiseship?)
So smart that he can say the alphabet backwards (and parallel park) even when he's totally drunk! (totally wasted!)
So smart that he never loses a game of Jenga
So smart that he never forgets to put his appliances on timers when he goes on vacation
So smart that he figured out the plots to Citizen Kane, Fight Club and Sixth Sense just from watching the trailers
So smart that if I dedicated a book to her it would say "this book is dedicated to [guest name]. Thank you for being so smart."
So smart that he never burns his mouth drinking hot chocolate
He's so smart that he knows the difference between steam, vapor and mist
He's so smart that if he had a column it would be called "ask a smart guy" and it would blow your mind!
He's so smart that if thermometers measured brain power, not heat, he still wouldn't take it rectally
He's so smart that to him long division is more like short division
Hes so smart he did his taxes using an abacas, and still got a refund… in beads!
so smart he does the SATs for fun, in his underwear
So smart he can figure out Mad magazine fold-ins, without even folding them!
So smart that his name is synonymous with smart which is why if you hit me I will say "ouch, that [guest name]s"
He's so smart that it's not even funny, it's just impressive!
He's so smart that the first word he ever said was dada, but he wasn't referring to his father, he was referring to the cultural movement
(or: He's so smart that like most kids, the first word he ever said was dada, but unlike most kids, he was referring to the cultural movement)
He's so smart that he knows exactly what price to start the bidding at on ebay
He's so smart that he knows the real names for all the pieces on a chess board. even the horsies!
He's so smart that he's never lost a game of hangman
She's so smart that if facts were hot dogs, she'd be takeru kobayashi—before the freaky jaw problem
She's so smart that her brain barely fits in her head
She's so smart that she had to get her head stretched to fit her brain. Sadly now none of her hats fit
She's so smart that she never believed in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy
She's so smart that she knows which came first, the chicken or the egg, but for reasons I don't understand, refuses to tell anyone.
She's so smart that she knows how to use the graphing function on her scientific calculator!
So smart he can speak esperanto, but chooses not to.
So smart he always knows the perfect ratio of coffee grounds to water
So smart he never messes up you're and your
(but once he messed up too and to)
So smart he pronounces harassment [harASSment] like harassment [HAIRassment]
So smart he knows how to call any sort of hotline and get a live human instantly. Well, not instantly, but pretty quickly
So smart as a child he actually taught his parents how to tie their shoes and tell time
So smart he never messes up left and right
So smart he can find any sunken chest or hidden treasure in less than ten minutes
So smart he's no longer allowed to compete in televised game shows
so smart that when he has that dream where he's back in school and there's a big test he didn't prepare for he aces it
so smart that when he's bored he doodles... the periodic table of the elements
he's so smart that if you cheated off him in school you'd have to make sure to fudge a couple answers or else the teacher would totally know you cheated—that's how smart he is! and how dumb you are!
he's so smart he can operate a short wave radio
he's so smart he knows just how long to put things in the microwave for
So smart he's never once called tech support in his entire life
So smart tech support calls him for assistance
So smart he can put together an Ikea bookshelf without any pieces left over
So smart crossword puzzles do him!
So interesting he can't even put his computer to sleep?
So smart he doesn't even use spellcheck
So smart he knows the difference between entomology and etymology
so SMART he knows what I'm going to say before I say it... in Latin!
He's so quick/smart that what a regular person can accomplish in a New York minute only takes him a New York second
He's so smart that when he tells you why you're wrong and he's right it's less annoying than if he were just some dumb guy doing it Read more!
So funny that he's been arrested twice for starting a laugh riot
So funny that he cracks up English bobbies. They think he's jolly good and brilliant when he takes the piss
So funny that when his friends say drop me a line, he sends them punch lines!
So funny that funny babies prefer his comedy to breast milk
So funny that you shouldn't drink any fluids for about 6 hours before seeing him
so funny that he is to comedy as puppies are to adorable
so funny that he is to comedy as I am to sexiness
so funny that a massage from her is called comic relief, with happy ending
So funny that it's not even funny.
So funny that he'll make you chuckle, chortle, guffaw, snort, whinny, giggle and snicker. in that order!
so funny that doctors in yucaipa california wanted to rename the funny bone the [guest name] bone
so funny that all his bones are funny bones
so funny that he'll make you laugh so hard you'll puke out your eyeballs
so funny that if he were any funnier I'd send him a note, probably a shoebox greeting, that said excuse me but could you please try to be less funny? Then if he didn't respond within five to seven business days I'd have him killed. And then I'd laugh, because that was a really funny guy I just killed!
So funny that the other night he walked into a bar and the bartender said "I'm sorry, we don't serve funny people," and he couldn't get a drink all night!
So funny it's tough to be in public with him because people are always coming up to him and laughing.
So funny that if you told him your problems he'd probably just make a bunch of jokes. You wouldn't feel any better, you might feel worse actually, but you'd walk away thinking wow, that guy's really funny.
So funny that if he had personalized license plates they'd say Ffunny. He'd wish that said funny but that was already taken.
So funny that when he dies he's donating his organs to comedy.
so funny he's funnier than a rubber chicken with a fake arrow through its head stuffed into a whoopie cushion and then left in the backseat of a volkswagon filled with clowns
Funnier than a baby sleep farting
So funny that he's been arrested twice for starting a laugh riot
So funny that his first words were "knock knock"
So funny that immediately after being born he said "take my midwife, please"
So funny he's funnier than a 12 spit takes and 14 pratfalls
So funny he's funnier than a clown slipping on a banana peel and falling into a pool of fake vomit
Funnier than stoners trying to pretend they aren't stoned
Funnier than that funny guy who says "is this running local?" in a crowded elevator
Same as above but substitute "moo" or "do you smell that?"
So funny that if laughter was the best medicine, he'd be a doctor. Sadly it's not, penicillin is, and he's just a comedian.
So funny that he was given an honorary degree from clown college
So funny he graduated early from clown college
So funny that me makes me R.O.T.F.L.M.A.O. (or just LMAO)
So funny that he totally makes me L.O.L.!
So funny that he doesn't even have to use emoticons. People just know he's joking!
So funny that if jokes were garlic cloves, he'd be 100 percent vampire-free
So funny that when he knocks, people always say "who's there?"
So funny that he could run over you in a golf cart and you'd think "hey, a really funny guy just ran over me with a golf cart! that's so funny"
So funny that he's often called upon to provide the in flight entertainment on transatlantic flights
He's so funny that if jokes could cure cancer, he'd be a miracle worker. Sadly jokes can't cure cancer, but his are still very funny
So funny that if jokes could cure feline aids, everyone would bring him their cats
So funny that if this were a movie, the part of him would be played by a whoopie cushion
So funny he'll make you shoot milk out your nose, even if you aren't drinking milk Read more!
so cute she's cuter than a pet turtle that has its own smaller pet turtle
so cute that if she were a Grey's Anatomy character she'd be McCutie
so cute she puts the cute in prosecutor
so cute nine out of ten manicurists agree that even her cuticles are cute
She's so cute she's cuter than a hello kitty lunchbox with a garfield thermos in it
she's cuter than a ziggy wall calendar
so cute she can't go anywhere without getting pulled over for unlawful cuteness
so cute she has to carry a permit
so cute that if she were a dinosaur she'd be a cute-ceratops (or a cute-osaurus rex). her best friend would be a cute-icorn.
so cute that cars in front of her should have bumper stickers that say "if you can read this, you're too cute"
so cute that her bathroom mirror has a warning that says "objects in mirror may appear cuter than they are"
so cute that when she flies internationally (or: when she goes through customs), she has to declare her cuteness.
once she smuggled it in a shampoo bottle!
so cute that if cuteness were pot, stoners would bake her into a brownie
so cute that hallmark tried to buy the rights to her image
so cute that in high school she was always getting busted for public displays of cuteness
so cute she's cuter than a forest of bonsai trees
so cute keebler elves made her their mascot
so cute her friends always let her go first in monopoly because how could you say no to someone that cute?
so cute she literally wrote the book on cuteness. it's called the book on cuteness and it started as her dissertation (grad school thesis)
so cute she's cuter than a gnome battling a thunderstorm with a cocktail umbrella
so cute she's cuter than a smurf using a cocktail umbrella
so cute she's cuter than an army of ants carrying something 40 times their weight
so cute she's cuter than an army of ants carrying something 40 times their weight... like a puppy!
so cute she was made the editor at large of cute weekly
so cute that spiders won't even bite her
so cute that if she gained a bunch of weight she'd still be really cute, just cute and pudgy/fat
So cute that she holds the Guinness World Book record for cuteness, beating out a baby seal and a miniature horse wearing tiny sneakers
So cute that she could say something horribly racist and you'd probably let it slide because she's so cute!
So cute that she when she sneezes it's as if she sprays a fine mist of cuteness all around her
She's so cute that if she invented a color, it'd be pink
She's so cute that even bitchy high school girls think she's cute
She's so cute that even cheerleaders think she's cute
She's so cute that zoologists tried to raise her by hand
She's so cute that zoologists tried to hand feed her
So cute that she's often called upon by members of the media to speak out on the topic of being cute, making her something of a cute expert.
So cute that when she was a baby other babies around her stopped even trying to be cute, because what's the point, that's how cute she is
So cute she had to get her cuteness insured for five billion gazillion trillion dollars. Still not enough, if you ask me.
So cute she could have a parasite like ringworm or tapeworm and you'd still think she's cute
She's so cute that if she were walking an adorable puppy down the street people would stop the puppy to play with her!
cuter than identical twins.... dressed identically!
so cute she could make a sandwich out of baby heads and you'd still think she's cute.
so cute she could wear a coat made of baby seals and Peta wouldn't even spray her with ketchup.
she's so cute her driver's license photo looks like a glamor shot
Cuter than the face a baby makes when dreaming about breastfeeding
Cuter than a baby dreaming about puppies wearing sweaters. And not just any puppies but labradoodles.
So cute if she were a healthy cereal it'd be called cute-nuts and people would probably sprinkle it on their yogurt
So cute she could stab you with a letter opener and even though it would hurt, you'd still think she's cute
So cute she can use the express lane at the grocery store even if she's buying more than 10 items and no one minds!
So cute people always let her cut in line. Especially at the free clinic where she does cute outreach.
So cute she could give away free carwashes and people would still give her money. She'd probably turn around and give it to ugly people, that's how cute she is.
So cute if you mixed her with nuts and raisins you could call it cute mix and four out of five campers (outdoors enthusiasts) would prefer it to trail mix!
she's cuter than a stable full of my pretty ponies
she's cuter than a canopy bed covered with kittens
she's cuter than a Barbie suitcase full of strawberry shortcake dolls
(could add: covered in the Little Mermaid's blood OR covered in pixie dust)
So cute she's cuter than the 12 Pillsbury dough boys and 16 ducklings
So cute she's cuter than Bambi
So cute she's cuter than Glomer, punky brewster's friend who lived at the end of a rainbow
So cute Care Bears commit hari kari around her
So cute she doesn't even have to dot her I's with hearts or draw smiley faces in her o's
so cute she makes babies look like trolls
so cute she makes puppies look like gremlins. not the cute ones, but the ugly green ones.
so cute she once dressed up as cupid for halloween and people thought she was dressed as herself
so cute she once dressed as cupid for halloween and people asked why she didn't dress up
so cute she makes muppet babies weep
so cute she goes confetti in her diaper
so cute she's cuter than Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail
so cute she's cuter than Meg Ryan, and everyone thinks she's cute
So cute she's cuter than a puppy tripping on its own ears
So cute she's cuter than basset hound tripping on its own ears
So cute that if she were to invent a toiletry it would be cute-tips. Sadly she'd probably get sued by Q-tips
Cuter than all four of the designing women
She's so cute that teenage girls get in trouble for writing her name on
So cute she's cuter than people posting pictures of their cats on the internet
So cute she's cuter than a little kid trying to pronounce a word and getting it totally wrong
So cute she's cuter than when the dogs eat spaghetti in the lady and the tramp
So cute she's cuter than the robot from Short Circuit
So cute she's cuter than a dog with a piece of confetti stuck to its nose
so cute that the franklin mint can't keep her limited edition collectors plate in stock
So cute that if she were one of the seven dwarfs she'd be cutie.
So cute that you might think she wears a cute suit but she doesn't, she's really that cute!
So cute that she tests positive for cuteness and doctors agree there's nothing they can do (doctors agree its terminal)
She's so cute that teenage girls get in trouble for doodling her on their keds
So cute she donates smiles to charity
So cute that old people leap out of wheelchairs to pinch her cheeks.
So cute that her cheeks are constantly sore from people trying to pinch them
So cute she’s cuter than a preemie that’s small enough to be cute but old enough to not be deformed
So cute she’s cuter than a brand new baby that’s small enough to be cute but old enough not to have a deformed head
So cute she’s cuter than a chicken pecking a song on a tiny piano
She's so cute when she was born the doctor said "congratulations, it's a-dorable!"
She's so cute she's cuter than a threeway between jem and the holograms, josie and the pussycats and rainbow brite
She's so cute she's cuter than a jem and the holograms sandwich dipped in josie and the pussycats gravy washed down with a refreshing glass of freshly squeezed rainbow brite
Cuter than a toddler pushing a puppy in a stroller
Cuter than tweetie bird and woodstock combined
Cuter than a photomontage of a labrador raising a litter of puppies but one of them is a duckling that also lives on the farm
Cuter than a kid saying the darnedest thing!
So cute that if they were to make a movie version of her life they'd probably have to get a chipmunk or a smurf to play her, that's how cute she is!
She's so cute that she could borrow your favorite album, probably We Sing Silly Songs, or Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul on audiobook, and never return it and you wouldn't even get mad.
Cuter than a bag of sleeping kittens left in the backseat of a car, but with the window cracked
Cuter than a pile of stillborns... I mean still lifes! A pile of paintings! She's cuter than paintings of fruit, which everyone knows are very cute!
Cuter than a bag full of sleeping kittens... Tied to a brick at the bottom of the ocean
Cuter than an omelet with bits of Wilbur and Babe in it!
She's so cute that if it turned out she were a serial killer her neighbors would be surprised and "[guest name]? But she was so cute"
She's so cute her neighbors are always knocking on her door asking to borrow a cup of cute.
She's so cute you might think she hatched from cute eggs.... if you didn't really understand where babies came from.
She might wash down the babyhead sandwich with a puppy smoothie. or a pina colada made of puppies. Read more!
so hot she causes my glasses to fog up, and I don't even wear glasses!
so hot that if she were to put on one of those hypercolor tshirts, which are the ones that change colors, it wouldn't even change colors, it would just melt
so hot that she confuses mood rings
so hot firemen try to put her out. its funny the first few times it happens and you're hanging out with her but then it just gets annoying
so hot she could wear a retainer or headgear and she'd still be hot
so hot she's hotter than a kiln—it's what potters bake their clay in, and it's very hot
so hot she can cook hot pockets just by holding them
so hot she had to have her apartment zoned for hotness
so hot she can restart cars simply by holding the jumper cables
so hot she sets off smoke alarms. it's actually quite socially debilitating
so hot she's hotter than a bunson burner and a franklin stove combined
so hot we tried to take a photo of her using thermal infrared imaging and the machine blew up
so hot she makes my hair frizz. and girlfriend, you do not want to see that.
so hot the creators of that website hot or not briefly considered calling it [name] or not
She's so hot that it's physically impossible for her to build a snowman.
so hot if she ran a fever she would explode
so hot she explodes on contact
so hot her skin sticks to leather furniture, even in the winter. it's so painful that she cries tears which evaporate instantly, because she's so hot
so hot she cries lava
so hot that just standing next to her is giving me a heat rash
so hot that she just calls a heat rash a rash
she's so hot she's been banned from ice skating rinks and ski slopes because she's a liability
so hot that if you look up hot in the dictionary you'd just see a burn mark from where the picture of her caught on fire
so hot she's flammable
so hot she'll never know the joy of flame retardant camping gear
so hot that in the event of a blackout, all you need is her. and a shortwave radio and some peanut butter, but that's just good sense.
so hot she can say words like crust, moist, scab and rabies and still I'm aroused. Okay fine, those words always have that effect on me.
she's so hot she makes sports fans lose interest in the game. especially if that game is croquet.
so hot she melts computers
she's so hot she glows in the dark
she's so hot scientists are applying for grants to study her right this very minute
she's so hot she makes hot chocolate look like chocolate milk... really cold chocolate milk
she's so hot she makes milk coagulate
She's so hot just looking at her makes me lose interest in my hobbies. My hobbies are sudoku and some light knitting, if you're wondering (or: my hobbies are the word jumble and tickle fights, if you're wondering)
so hot you need tongs to handle her
She's so hot that it would be physically impossible for her to burn her mouth drinking hot chocolate even if it was heated up to a million degrees!
She's so hot that clothes melt right off her
So hot she turns meat to jerky just by looking at it
So hot she makes you want to take off your clothes and then remove your skin (and beat yourself with it)
So hot the cops are looking for her right now
So hot she gives other hot people eating disorders. It's sad.
So hot she melts cassette tapes. I just lost Aerosmith's Greatest Hits.
So hot you could fry an egg on her face.
So hot she's responsible for global warming
so hot she confuses thermoses
so hot she makes tierra del fuego look like tierra del frio
so hot lizards and turtles want to sun themselves on her face
so hot she could spontaneously combust any minute now
so hot there's a waiting list just to talk to her. I was told I'm next in line. keep your fingers crossed, people
so hot she turns frozen yogurt into soup
so hot she turns Antarctica into soup.
so hot mechanics can't even look under her hood
so hot she puts to bed the question of if it's the heat or the humidity. it's neither, it's [name]!
so hot people around her don't even ask whether it's the heat or the humidity. they just drop dead.
so hot people around her don't even ask whether it's the heat or the humidity, they just fall in love.
so hot volcanoes refuse to be photographed next to her
so hot baby booms can be traced back to her, if you know what I'm saying
so hot she causes surges in the population
so hot she'll melt your hard drive
She's so hot she makes things evaporate on contact especially but not limited to pants
so hot she'll melt your credit cards
so hot she makes tea kettles spontaneously whistle
so hot you could apply her to your soft-tissue injuries to promote faster healing
so hot you need tongs to handle her
so hot she'll destroy your perishables
so hot she'll melt your perishables Read more!