Frequently Asked Questions… with Andrew Levy

Instead of that updated batch of intros which you so richly deserve, I can but offer this—a FAQ with everyone's favorite ombudsman, Andy! Now with more Latin!

IT'S JUST WORDPLAY: What's with the kittens?

Andrew Levy: I don't know what that means. What's with YOU?

What was with the shirt change in between halftime and post-game a couple weeks ago?

I knew you needed questions for this FAQ.

What's the most rewarding part of being an ombudsman?

After each show, when Greg says, "Good job, Good work Andy, I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

Do you know the definition of ombudsman?

Yes.

Is it true your nickname is "The Punnisher?"

Quid est veritas?

Did you give yourself that nickname?

Nemo tenetur seipsum accusare.

How did you get involved with the show?

We were introduced at a party by Dat Ho, who was Greg's Vietnamese houseboy at the time, and we hit it off. We went to dinner a few days later - it turned out we both love a little Italian. (In my case, Marty Scorsese.)

Do you get nervous before you go on air?

It depends - how much have I had to drink?

What color is Greg's basement?

Before or after?

Is Alison your favorite?

It's okay I guess - I'm not a huge Elvis Costello fan. Though I do like the album he did with Allen Toussaint. Since you asked, I am a huge Radiohead fan, though.

No, Alison Rosen, you asshole!

I don't see "surnames." Or the South American Republic of "Suriname." Luckily I'm not in the market for bauxite, so this isn't as huge a deal as you might think.

Anything else you wish I'd asked?

Yes.

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Got a question about Red Eye's body language?

Leave it in the comments for use in a future segment! Please include your name, city and favorite Red Eye moment if you have one. Thanks! Read more!

aired 10/9/07

Welcome to Red Eye. It's like Deliverance but with more squealing.

Luciana Gimenez, if beauty were a slow ketchup bottle, I'd flip her over and slap that bottom.

Doug Giles, if brians were a bumper sticker, he'd be stuck to my rear.

Jim Morris, if hilarity were a noisemaker, I'd blow him on New Years.

Margaret Hoover, if beauty and cogent commentary were Gumby, she'd love a little pokey.

Luciana Gimenez, If beauty were a door knocker, I'd bang her repeatedly until someone came to my assistance.

Jim Morris, if brains were a needle, he'd be a little prick.

Tia Williams, if celebrity gossip were a bakery, I'd stop by to sniff her buns.

Margaret Hoover, if brains and beauty were the splits I'd do her in a leotard.






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aired 10/5/07

Red Eye starts as soon as I finish my knitting. Wool thongs don't itch, do they?

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Friday Night Lights, but we skip right to the showers.

INTROS:

Will Durst, if hilarity were a crossword puzzle, I'd do him on a toilet.

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.

Drew Curtis, if incisive commentary were an electric fan, I'd let him blow me in hot weather.

Anna Gilligan, if beauty and talent were a keg, I'd tap her at a party and share her with friends.

Kimberly Bell, if sexiness were a carousel we'd all wait in line to ride her.

Andrew likes to cut the brake cables of school buses with his good friend Peter Falk (Andy: CBo don't like whiny little brats, Greg)

RE-INTROS:

Will Durst, if with and wisdom were my nose he'd be sitting on my face.

Drew Curtis, if brains were a delightful breakfast I'd eat him in bed.

Noelle Hancock, if beauty were a broken vending machine I'd bang her until she gave me what I wanted.

Sprague Grayden, if sexiness were a Matzo ball, I'd eat her on Passover

Debra Weeks, if hot video were chocolate syrup I would squirt her all over my body.


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aired 10/1/07

Red Eye starts as soon as I finish making this sex tape. Ready or not, Eduardo, here I come. Kidding of course! I'm totally hetero.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like The Hills but without the burning and itching.

INTROS:

Courtney Friel, if beauty were acne she'd be all over my shoulders and back.

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick. Wearing French cuffs today I might add.

Michael Loftus, if hilarity were a pogo stick I'd bounce up and down on him all day.

Kevin Godlington, if perceptive commentary were potatoes, I bet he'd be great in the sack.

Will Leitch, if intelligence were biscuits and gravy I'd go down South just to eat him.

To the Gregalogue, it has a sandbox for kids.

Andy likes to lure and then abandon children into the woods with his close friend Peter Falk. (Andy: CBo loves the Brothers Grimm)

RE-INTROS:

Courtney Friel, if beauty were an onion I'd cry while chopping her to pieces

Michael Loftus, if hilarity were cheerios I'd eat him for breakfast every morning probably with sliced bananas and lots of milk dribbling down my delightful chin.

Bobbie Sue Luther, it talent were the moon astronauts would travel hundreds of thousands of miles just to probe her.

Will Leitch, if intelligence were a trashcan, I'd toss my junk in him.
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Gutfeld's recent intro rant

"Oh, you can't boo these! Not all of them are stellar! You start writing them for [bleep]'s sake!" Read more!

Episode #?: aired Sept 30

Red Eye starts as soon as I unlock this cage. Who knew bondage gear could be so technical?

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Countdown but without the cleansing mixture of vinegar and water.

INTROS:

Suzanne Sena, if beauty were an ace bandage she'd be all over my joint

Bill Schulz, he's my grotesque sidekick

Greg Proops, if jokes were milk he'd come in a carton. possibly a jug. maybe even a gallon. [fun fact: I meant "'if jokes were milk, he'd come in a carton' or maybe it'd be funnier if it were 'if jokes were milk, he'd come in a jug' or maybe you want to go with 'if jokes were milk, he'd come by the gallon.'" such is the risk in texting intros. then again, this could have been a deliberate choice.]

Jerry Casale, if genius were dentures I'd never take him out of my mouth.

Lis Wiehl, if legal expertise were a broken down car I'd service her on the side of the road.

To the Greg-alogue, it's got a sun roof.

Andy loves to tamper with the brakes on wheelchairs with his good friend Angela Lansbery. (Andy: Abery don't like cripples.)

RE-INTROS:

Suzanne Sena, if beauty were a horse it'd be important to get right back on her if you fell off.

Greg Proops, if jokes were scope I'd gargle with him nightly.

Jerry Casale, if genius were vodka he'd be inside me right now

Lis Wiehl, if legal brilliance were an oath I'd take her in a courtroom.



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