aired 10/9/07

Welcome to Red Eye. It's like Deliverance but with more squealing.

Luciana Gimenez, if beauty were a slow ketchup bottle, I'd flip her over and slap that bottom.

Doug Giles, if brians were a bumper sticker, he'd be stuck to my rear.

Jim Morris, if hilarity were a noisemaker, I'd blow him on New Years.

Margaret Hoover, if beauty and cogent commentary were Gumby, she'd love a little pokey.

Luciana Gimenez, If beauty were a door knocker, I'd bang her repeatedly until someone came to my assistance.

Jim Morris, if brains were a needle, he'd be a little prick.

Tia Williams, if celebrity gossip were a bakery, I'd stop by to sniff her buns.

Margaret Hoover, if brains and beauty were the splits I'd do her in a leotard.






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aired 10/5/07

Red Eye starts as soon as I finish my knitting. Wool thongs don't itch, do they?

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Friday Night Lights, but we skip right to the showers.

INTROS:

Will Durst, if hilarity were a crossword puzzle, I'd do him on a toilet.

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.

Drew Curtis, if incisive commentary were an electric fan, I'd let him blow me in hot weather.

Anna Gilligan, if beauty and talent were a keg, I'd tap her at a party and share her with friends.

Kimberly Bell, if sexiness were a carousel we'd all wait in line to ride her.

Andrew likes to cut the brake cables of school buses with his good friend Peter Falk (Andy: CBo don't like whiny little brats, Greg)

RE-INTROS:

Will Durst, if with and wisdom were my nose he'd be sitting on my face.

Drew Curtis, if brains were a delightful breakfast I'd eat him in bed.

Noelle Hancock, if beauty were a broken vending machine I'd bang her until she gave me what I wanted.

Sprague Grayden, if sexiness were a Matzo ball, I'd eat her on Passover

Debra Weeks, if hot video were chocolate syrup I would squirt her all over my body.


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aired 10/1/07

Red Eye starts as soon as I finish making this sex tape. Ready or not, Eduardo, here I come. Kidding of course! I'm totally hetero.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like The Hills but without the burning and itching.

INTROS:

Courtney Friel, if beauty were acne she'd be all over my shoulders and back.

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick. Wearing French cuffs today I might add.

Michael Loftus, if hilarity were a pogo stick I'd bounce up and down on him all day.

Kevin Godlington, if perceptive commentary were potatoes, I bet he'd be great in the sack.

Will Leitch, if intelligence were biscuits and gravy I'd go down South just to eat him.

To the Gregalogue, it has a sandbox for kids.

Andy likes to lure and then abandon children into the woods with his close friend Peter Falk. (Andy: CBo loves the Brothers Grimm)

RE-INTROS:

Courtney Friel, if beauty were an onion I'd cry while chopping her to pieces

Michael Loftus, if hilarity were cheerios I'd eat him for breakfast every morning probably with sliced bananas and lots of milk dribbling down my delightful chin.

Bobbie Sue Luther, it talent were the moon astronauts would travel hundreds of thousands of miles just to probe her.

Will Leitch, if intelligence were a trashcan, I'd toss my junk in him.
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Episode #?: aired Sept 30

Red Eye starts as soon as I unlock this cage. Who knew bondage gear could be so technical?

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Countdown but without the cleansing mixture of vinegar and water.

INTROS:

Suzanne Sena, if beauty were an ace bandage she'd be all over my joint

Bill Schulz, he's my grotesque sidekick

Greg Proops, if jokes were milk he'd come in a carton. possibly a jug. maybe even a gallon. [fun fact: I meant "'if jokes were milk, he'd come in a carton' or maybe it'd be funnier if it were 'if jokes were milk, he'd come in a jug' or maybe you want to go with 'if jokes were milk, he'd come by the gallon.'" such is the risk in texting intros. then again, this could have been a deliberate choice.]

Jerry Casale, if genius were dentures I'd never take him out of my mouth.

Lis Wiehl, if legal expertise were a broken down car I'd service her on the side of the road.

To the Greg-alogue, it's got a sun roof.

Andy loves to tamper with the brakes on wheelchairs with his good friend Angela Lansbery. (Andy: Abery don't like cripples.)

RE-INTROS:

Suzanne Sena, if beauty were a horse it'd be important to get right back on her if you fell off.

Greg Proops, if jokes were scope I'd gargle with him nightly.

Jerry Casale, if genius were vodka he'd be inside me right now

Lis Wiehl, if legal brilliance were an oath I'd take her in a courtroom.



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Episode #??: aired Sept 27

Red Eye starts as soon as I finish this cinnabon. oh it's so hot and sticky

Welcome to Red Eye it's like Father Knows Best, and he knows you won't tell anyone

INTROS:

Anna Gilligan, if beauty were a nightclub people would stand in line to get inside her

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick

Mary Katharine Ham if insightful commentary were fiber, I'd eat her to get regular

Jonathan Hoenig if brains were a parking space I'd back into him nightly

David Brenner if hilarity were push ups I'd do him every morning.

To the Gregalogue with 45 percent more raisins.

Andy likes to torch orphanages with his good friend Angela Lansbery (Andy: Abery gets off on the screams.)

RE-INTROS

Anna Gilligan, if beauty and brains were a magic lamp I'd rub her till I got my wish

Mary Katharine Ham, if intelligence were acrobatics I'd do her on a trampoline

Jonathan Hoenig, if brains were cough medicine I'd swallow him despite the taste, doctors orders

David Brenner, if hilarity were an American flag I'd run him up my pole every morning.

Rachael Leigh Cook, if beauty was a household cleaner I'd keep her away from young children.


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Episode #??: aired Sept 26/27

Red Eye starts as soon as I disguise this household cleaner as fruit punch. God I hate kids.

Welcome to Red Eye it's like 24 but it's two 12 year olds

INTROS:

Julie Banderas if beauty were a subway I'd ride her after a long night of drinking, probably with my friends.

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.

Nick Gillespie, if brains were a video game I'd play with him until my thumbs hurt.

Joe Devito, if jokes were hard candy I'd suck on him while driving.

Dana Vachon, if charm were a giant hoagie I'd have trouble getting him inside my mouth.

to the greg-alogue, there's face painting!

Andy likes to set booby traps for cub scouts with his good friend Angela Lansbery. (Andy: ABery don't like goodie two shoes, yo)

RE-INTROS:

Julie Banderas, if beauty were a necklace made of rotten flowers she'd be a lousy lei

Nick Gillespie, a publication I enjoy reading while loitering near a public restroom dressed as Nick Gillespie

Joe Devito, if jokes were food poisoning he'd keep me up all night moaning.

Dana Vachon, if charm was my prized hummingbird feeder, he'd be well hung and full of seed.

Christine Laken, if talent and beauty were a warm jacket, I'd hang her from a hook in my closet. Read more!

Episode #??: Sept 26

Red Eye starts as soon as I find my talcum powder. Damn this infernal chafing.

Welcome to Red Eye it's like All My Children but without the children.

INTROS:

Courtney Friel, if beauty were a bookcase I'd screw her against the wall.

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.

Kira Soltanovich, if hilarity were the SATs, all of her holes would be correctly filled.

Andrew Levy, if sarcasm were sign language, I'd do him with my hands.

Dr. Marc Lamont Hill, if brains were a fishing pond, I'd sink my rod in him.

To the greg-alogue, it's freshly squeezed.

Andy likes to enslave illegals with his good friend Angela Lansbery. (Andy: "ABery don't like to pay for housekeeping, yo.")

RE-INTROS:

Courtney Friel, if beauty were a heat rash, she'd be between my legs.

Kira Soltanovich, if hilarity were a den closet, I'd stick my bowling trophies inside her.

Dawn Yanek, a magazine I enjoy reading while combing the lice out of Bill's hair.

Dr. Marc Lamont Hill, if brains were a donkey, I would ride that ass.
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Episode ?: aired Sept 25

Red Eye starts as soon as I reheat this Hot Pocket, it's been under my bed for a week.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Gilmore Girls, but with more tongue.

INTROS:

Patti Ann Browne, if beauty and brains were whiskers, I'd wake up with her on my face.

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick

Earthquake, if jokes were ben gay he'd be all over my jock.

Alison Rosen, if wit were an artificial hip, she'd be inside my grandmother's pelvis.

Kevin Godlington, if intelligence were a washing machine, I'd put a dirty load inside him.

To the Gregalogue it's bat and helmet day for those under 14

Andy likes to pummel the elderly with his good friend Angela Lansbery (Andy: ABery don't like competition, yo)

RE-INTROS:

Patti Ann Browne, if beauty were potpourri, I'd stick her in my smelly drawers.

Earthquake, if jokes were a swimming pool I'd splash around in his deep end.

Alison Rosen, if brains were sneakers, I'd make sure her tongue was in the right place and then tie her up.

Kevin Godlington, if bravery were Domino's Pizza, I'd be very frustrated if he didn't come within 30 minutes. Read more!

Episode ??, aired September 22

Red Eye starts as soon as I find my teeth. I know I left them somewhere.

Welcome to Red Eye it's like Larry King, but with real hips.

INTROS:

Rebecca Gomez, if beauty were a napkin I'd wipe my mouth with her.

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.

Gabrielle Tuite, if hotness were a jigsaw puzzle I would do her on a rainy day, probably on the floor with my niece and nephew.

Kevin Godlington, if charm were osteoperosis he would make old ladies moan.

Mike Baker, if brains were a cheese log, I'd pick at his nuts.

To the Greg-alogue, your name's on the list.

Andy likes to poison water supplies of local neighborhoods with his good friend Gabe Kaplan. (Andy: G Kaps don't like crowds, yo.)

RE-INTROS:

Rebecca Gomez, if cuteness were karaoke, I'd get drunk and then do her.

Gabrielle Tuite, if sexiness were vienna sausages, I'd eat her in the can.

Kevin Godlington, if guts were a sack race, I'd do him at a picnic.

Mike Baker, if brains were a soap dispenser, I'd pump him in the bathroom.

Danica McKellar, if beauty and brains were a baton, she'd be passed around by sweaty men on a track. Read more!

Episode: ?? Date ??

(Note: someday I will get episode numbers and dates. Today is not that day.)

Red Eye starts as soon as I smear this tub of apple butter all over my chest. Oh, like you never tried it.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Lou Dobbs without the granny panties.

INTROS:

Anna Gilligan... if beauty were groceries I'd bag her and put her in my trunk.

Bill Schulz, he's not allowed in pet shops.

Amanda Carpenter... a blog I like to read while scraping bone fragments off my boots.

Ralphie May... if jokes sneakers I'd wiggle my toes inside him.

Pat Monahan... if dreaminess were a swing I'd ride him with my legs him in the air.

To the Greg-alogue, pants are half off!

Down to the newsroom where we find Andrew Levy. Andrew likes to drown postman with his good friend Gabe Kaplan.

RE-INTROS:

Anna Gilliagan... If beauty were a basketball I would bounce her up and down and throw her over my head.

Shira Lazar... she has more scoops than 31 flavors and her cones aren't so bad either.

Ralphie May... if hilarity were a baby I'd probably leave him in a sweletering car.

Pat Monahan... if talent were a tongue depressor I'd sound funny with him in my mouth. Read more!

Episode #??: Tuesday Sept 18

"Red eye starts as soon as I get the blood out of my ventriloquist’s dummy."

guests: D.L. Hughly, Alisyn Camerota, Will Leitch, Tia Williams, James Smith

Intros:

If beauty were a pinata, I'd hit her with a bat.

If beauty were pizza, I’d have her for dinner and then tomorrow for breakfast.

If hilarity were pin the tail on the donkey, I’d wear a blindfold and aim for the rear.

If good looks were baking soda, she’d soak up foul kitchen odors.

If insightful commentary were cherries, he’d be on top.

If hilarity were a tree, I would carve my initials into his trunk.

If talent were a bicycle, I would bring him to the park at 3am and ride him.
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Episode #?: Monday, Sept 17

"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like animal planet but with more penetration."

guests: Anna David, John Ziegler, Mercedes Colwin, Kelli Zink, Griff Jenkins, Lynne Koplitz, Nikki Sixx

Intros:

If beauty were popcorn, I'd have her in a theater.

If legal expertise were a gavel, I'd bang her in a courtroom.

If scoops were champagne I'd pop him on special occasions.

If jokes were landfill, she'd be one hell of a dump.

If beauty were a forest, she would be a source of wood.

If brains were shuffleboard, I would do him on a cruise ship.

If beauty were a mattress, I’d flip her so she stays firm.

If jokes were English muffins, I’d fill her nooks and crannies with butter. Read more!

Episode #??: Saturday Sept 15

"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Mr. Belvedere but the pot roast tastes suspiciously like Wesley."

guests: Tia Brown, Chris Rovzar, Kirsten Powers, Courtney Friel

Intros:

If beauty were a gong I'd bang her repeatedly

If bone structure were cramps I'd have him once a month, am I right ladies?

If charm were inappropriate touching, he'd be my uncle

If brains were mildew, she'd be all over my shower curtain

If cuteness was a Justin Timberlake poster I'd nail her above my bed

If good looks and brains were logs on a fire, I'd poke her repeatedly.

This is Bill, he buys all his clothes at American Girl.

a publication I like to read while washing the blood off my fender

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Episode #??: Friday Sept 14

"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like That's Incredible but it's been downgraded to mildly interesting."

guests: Alicia Quarles, Regan Burns, Kerry Howley, Mike Baker, David Cronenberg

intros used:

She's so hot she could heat up fish sticks in her armpits.

She's so hot she makes my hair frizz and girlfriend, you don't want to see that.

If jokes were paint thinner, I'd stick my head in a paper bag and sniff him.

If intelligence were a bumper car, I'd ram him repeatedly.

If jokes were pancakes, I'd smother him with butter and then eat him.

If talent were mustard, I'd squirt him on my hot dog.

If brains were romaine lettuce and a nice vinaigrette, I'd toss that salad.

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Episode #??: Thursday Sept 13

"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like The Nine, but in the shower it looks like the six."

guests: Julie Banderas, Michelle Collins, Ainsley Earhardt, Dawn Yanek, Jonathan Hoenig

intros:

If beauty were marshmallows, boy scouts would roast her over an open fire.

If brains were a lamp I'd turn him on every night.

She's funnier than Funky Winkerbean flashing the Family Circus.

If beauty were herbs I'd rub her on my meat.

If beauty were gray hair Bill Maher would be plucking her from his pelvis.

She's funnier than Luanne beating Cathy to death while a sad Fred Bassett looks on.

If beauty were a pumpkin I would carve her open and scoop out her insides. Read more!