Intro effluvia

For all the intros that get their moment of filthy glory on air, there are zillions that get emailed back and forth. Here are some:

She's so smart if brains were coins I'd roll her in my bedroom till I was ready to make a deposit

If brains were mosquitos, a little biting and sucking would make him engorged

If brains were textbooks, students would throw him down on the bed and then go have a snack

If brains were my midsection, I'd squeeze him into my jeans

If brains were a butcher counter's service bell. I'd ding him and wait for meat

If brains were a broken down car, I'd service him on the side of the road

If brains were a broken down car, I'd slide under him and begin cranking. Read more!

One which may or may not get used...

However when I wrote it, and perhaps it was because I'd been writing them for so long I lost perspective, I thought it was a stroke of pure genius:

He's so smart if brains were a monocle, he'd be on my one eye. Read more!

He's so smart… *

If brains were karaoke, I'd get drunk and do him.

If brains were a jigsaw puzzle, I'd do him on the floor on a rainy day.

If brains were a cheese log, I'd pick at his nuts.

If brains were a sack race, I'd do him at a picnic.

If brains were a soap dispenser, I'd pump him in the bathroom.

If brains were a soap dispenser, I'd pump him into my hand.

If brains were vienna sausages, I'd eat him in the can.

*most of these used on the Friday Sept 21 episode Read more!

He's so smart…

if brains were a birthday cake people would sing and then I'd blow on him (people would sing while I blew him)

if brains were freeze dried ice cream, astronauts would eat him

if brains were wrinkle cream, I'd wouldn't go to sleep without rubbing him on my face

if brains were finger foods, I wouldn't know how to quit him

if brains were marshmallows, girlscouts would use him to make smores

if brains were cookies, girlscouts would sell him

if brains were a lamp I'd turn him on every night when the sun went down

if brains were collectible beanie babies I'd sell him on ebay

if brains were a sprained ankle I'd baby him

if brains were contacts I'd clean him out and then put him on my eyeballs

if brains were tentacles, he'd be an octopus

if brains were binge drinking, he'd be a sorority house
Read more!

He's so smart…

If brains were a roller coaster I'd ride him till I puked

if brains were dice I would go to vegas and roll him

if brains were stamps, nerds would collect him

if brains were stamps his back would be sticky


if brains were scrapes/bruises I'd have him on my knees.

if brains were dice I would blow on him and then roll him Read more!

He's so smart…

If brains were lobsters, I'd break his claws in half.

If brains were oysters, I'd slurp him raw.

If brains were pancakes, he'd be IHOP Read more!