Leave it in the comments for use in a future segment! Please include your name, city and favorite Red Eye moment if you have one. Thanks! Read more!
Welcome to Red Eye. It's like Deliverance but with more squealing.
Luciana Gimenez, if beauty were a slow ketchup bottle, I'd flip her over and slap that bottom.
Doug Giles, if brians were a bumper sticker, he'd be stuck to my rear.
Jim Morris, if hilarity were a noisemaker, I'd blow him on New Years.
Margaret Hoover, if beauty and cogent commentary were Gumby, she'd love a little pokey.
Luciana Gimenez, If beauty were a door knocker, I'd bang her repeatedly until someone came to my assistance.
Jim Morris, if brains were a needle, he'd be a little prick.
Tia Williams, if celebrity gossip were a bakery, I'd stop by to sniff her buns.
Margaret Hoover, if brains and beauty were the splits I'd do her in a leotard.
Red Eye starts as soon as I finish my knitting. Wool thongs don't itch, do they?
Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Friday Night Lights, but we skip right to the showers.
Will Durst, if hilarity were a crossword puzzle, I'd do him on a toilet.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.
Drew Curtis, if incisive commentary were an electric fan, I'd let him blow me in hot weather.
Anna Gilligan, if beauty and talent were a keg, I'd tap her at a party and share her with friends.
Kimberly Bell, if sexiness were a carousel we'd all wait in line to ride her.
Andrew likes to cut the brake cables of school buses with his good friend Peter Falk (Andy: CBo don't like whiny little brats, Greg)
Will Durst, if with and wisdom were my nose he'd be sitting on my face.
Drew Curtis, if brains were a delightful breakfast I'd eat him in bed.
Noelle Hancock, if beauty were a broken vending machine I'd bang her until she gave me what I wanted.
Sprague Grayden, if sexiness were a Matzo ball, I'd eat her on Passover
Debra Weeks, if hot video were chocolate syrup I would squirt her all over my body.
Red Eye starts as soon as I finish making this sex tape. Ready or not, Eduardo, here I come. Kidding of course! I'm totally hetero.
Welcome to Red Eye, it's like The Hills but without the burning and itching.
Courtney Friel, if beauty were acne she'd be all over my shoulders and back.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick. Wearing French cuffs today I might add.
Michael Loftus, if hilarity were a pogo stick I'd bounce up and down on him all day.
Kevin Godlington, if perceptive commentary were potatoes, I bet he'd be great in the sack.
Will Leitch, if intelligence were biscuits and gravy I'd go down South just to eat him.
To the Gregalogue, it has a sandbox for kids.
Andy likes to lure and then abandon children into the woods with his close friend Peter Falk. (Andy: CBo loves the Brothers Grimm)
Courtney Friel, if beauty were an onion I'd cry while chopping her to pieces
Michael Loftus, if hilarity were cheerios I'd eat him for breakfast every morning probably with sliced bananas and lots of milk dribbling down my delightful chin.
Bobbie Sue Luther, it talent were the moon astronauts would travel hundreds of thousands of miles just to probe her.
Will Leitch, if intelligence were a trashcan, I'd toss my junk in him.
Red Eye starts as soon as I unlock this cage. Who knew bondage gear could be so technical?
Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Countdown but without the cleansing mixture of vinegar and water.
Suzanne Sena, if beauty were an ace bandage she'd be all over my joint
Bill Schulz, he's my grotesque sidekick
Greg Proops, if jokes were milk he'd come in a carton. possibly a jug. maybe even a gallon. [fun fact: I meant "'if jokes were milk, he'd come in a carton' or maybe it'd be funnier if it were 'if jokes were milk, he'd come in a jug' or maybe you want to go with 'if jokes were milk, he'd come by the gallon.'" such is the risk in texting intros. then again, this could have been a deliberate choice.]
Jerry Casale, if genius were dentures I'd never take him out of my mouth.
Lis Wiehl, if legal expertise were a broken down car I'd service her on the side of the road.
To the Greg-alogue, it's got a sun roof.
Andy loves to tamper with the brakes on wheelchairs with his good friend Angela Lansbery. (Andy: Abery don't like cripples.)
Suzanne Sena, if beauty were a horse it'd be important to get right back on her if you fell off.
Greg Proops, if jokes were scope I'd gargle with him nightly.
Jerry Casale, if genius were vodka he'd be inside me right now
Lis Wiehl, if legal brilliance were an oath I'd take her in a courtroom.
a site dedicated to the show's writing, particularly the intros, or something more akin to a breathless fan blog? I don't know but here's an interview with Greg that ran on Gothamist today. And stay tuned for another Body Language segment!
Posted by alison at 12:39 PM
Red Eye starts as soon as I finish this cinnabon. oh it's so hot and sticky
Welcome to Red Eye it's like Father Knows Best, and he knows you won't tell anyone
Anna Gilligan, if beauty were a nightclub people would stand in line to get inside her
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick
Mary Katharine Ham if insightful commentary were fiber, I'd eat her to get regular
Jonathan Hoenig if brains were a parking space I'd back into him nightly
David Brenner if hilarity were push ups I'd do him every morning.
To the Gregalogue with 45 percent more raisins.
Andy likes to torch orphanages with his good friend Angela Lansbery (Andy: Abery gets off on the screams.)
Anna Gilligan, if beauty and brains were a magic lamp I'd rub her till I got my wish
Mary Katharine Ham, if intelligence were acrobatics I'd do her on a trampoline
Jonathan Hoenig, if brains were cough medicine I'd swallow him despite the taste, doctors orders
David Brenner, if hilarity were an American flag I'd run him up my pole every morning.
Rachael Leigh Cook, if beauty was a household cleaner I'd keep her away from young children.
Red Eye starts as soon as I disguise this household cleaner as fruit punch. God I hate kids.
Welcome to Red Eye it's like 24 but it's two 12 year olds
Julie Banderas if beauty were a subway I'd ride her after a long night of drinking, probably with my friends.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.
Nick Gillespie, if brains were a video game I'd play with him until my thumbs hurt.
Joe Devito, if jokes were hard candy I'd suck on him while driving.
Dana Vachon, if charm were a giant hoagie I'd have trouble getting him inside my mouth.
to the greg-alogue, there's face painting!
Andy likes to set booby traps for cub scouts with his good friend Angela Lansbery. (Andy: ABery don't like goodie two shoes, yo)
Julie Banderas, if beauty were a necklace made of rotten flowers she'd be a lousy lei
Nick Gillespie, a publication I enjoy reading while loitering near a public restroom dressed as Nick Gillespie
Joe Devito, if jokes were food poisoning he'd keep me up all night moaning.
Dana Vachon, if charm was my prized hummingbird feeder, he'd be well hung and full of seed.
Christine Laken, if talent and beauty were a warm jacket, I'd hang her from a hook in my closet. Read more!
So the other night, and by that I mean last night, Greg used a hilarious intro on Sherrod Small: "If jokes (or whatever) were a squirrel, he'd have my nuts in his cheeks." It got a big laugh, but something about it stuck in my head. You could have colored me rankled. Or slapped my ass and called me rankled. Thankfully I was able to soldier on and turn in my usual genius and really quite beautiful performance, but the minute the show was over, I brought it up. For all of our sakes.
Here's the conversation:
me: that squirrels/nuts intro doesn't really work!
Greg: what do you mean?
me: they wouldn't be YOUR nuts
Greg: what do you mean?
me: it's that part of the intro thing that gets confusing where it has to have a He or a She in it, but it wouldn't have a YOUR in it. why would they be YOUR nuts? they'd just be nuts.
Greg: yeah but--
me: it'd be "if jokes were squirrels, he'd have nuts in his cheeks"
Greg: but what makes it funny is if they're MY nuts. it takes it to that next level
me: yeah, you're totally right. [hanging head] never mind. Read more!
…to make up for the fact that I'm behind on updating the intros. Andy Levy is a musician. Bill Schulz once wrote article where he subjected himself to every medical test out there that remotely made sense for someone his age or that he could convince a doctor to give him. He wrote that article when he worked at Stuff, under then editor-in-chief Greg Gutfeld. Read more!
It helps to know how they originally started. Everything was she's so or he's so. There was she's so hot, she's so sexy, she's so cute, he's so smart and he's so funny. (yes, a crapload of sexism is implied in those gender attributes, but since I'm a woman and I was writing a lot of them, I forgive all of us since to take these seriously is to seriously miss the point. plus, those weren't hard and fast rules, just the way they often broke down. anyway!) Fun fact: one of the first intros which I doubt was written much ahead of time and may have been before Greg used teleprompter was "she's sexier than a sexy sexy sex thing" or something like that. So anyway, the implied or understood part of the intro is "[he's so smart that]" if brains were blah blah blah.
now, on to the intro itself. here is your formula:
If [attribute] were [item/thing], I'd [something suggestive or funny sounding that you'd do to or with that thing].
[he's so smart that] If brains were a hotel minibar, I'd pay too much for a taste of his nuts.
It works because hotel minibars notoriously charge you way too much for a small jar of nuts. And they are HIS nuts, because in this sentence HE is a hotel minibar. But it's one further removed which has the effect of making it less prurient because we aren't even saying HE is a hotel minibar but brains are a hotel minibar. And HE is BRAINS. You know? Guest = Brains = hotel minibar.
I fear I just made something everyone intuitively knows way too complicated. I should write textbooks!
Here is another example:
[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, I'd shove a Q-tip inside him (it works because you do put q-tips in ears)
[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, I'd listen out of him-(it works because you listen with your ears)
[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, I'd hear him-(it doesn't work because you do not hear ears)
[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, children would do him on a playground-(it doesn't work because children do not do ears on a playground, you pervert)
Red Eye starts as soon as I find my talcum powder. Damn this infernal chafing.
Welcome to Red Eye it's like All My Children but without the children.
Courtney Friel, if beauty were a bookcase I'd screw her against the wall.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.
Kira Soltanovich, if hilarity were the SATs, all of her holes would be correctly filled.
Andrew Levy, if sarcasm were sign language, I'd do him with my hands.
Dr. Marc Lamont Hill, if brains were a fishing pond, I'd sink my rod in him.
To the greg-alogue, it's freshly squeezed.
Andy likes to enslave illegals with his good friend Angela Lansbery. (Andy: "ABery don't like to pay for housekeeping, yo.")
Courtney Friel, if beauty were a heat rash, she'd be between my legs.
Kira Soltanovich, if hilarity were a den closet, I'd stick my bowling trophies inside her.
Dawn Yanek, a magazine I enjoy reading while combing the lice out of Bill's hair.
Dr. Marc Lamont Hill, if brains were a donkey, I would ride that ass.
Red Eye starts as soon as I reheat this Hot Pocket, it's been under my bed for a week.
Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Gilmore Girls, but with more tongue.
Patti Ann Browne, if beauty and brains were whiskers, I'd wake up with her on my face.
Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick
Earthquake, if jokes were ben gay he'd be all over my jock.
Alison Rosen, if wit were an artificial hip, she'd be inside my grandmother's pelvis.
Kevin Godlington, if intelligence were a washing machine, I'd put a dirty load inside him.
To the Gregalogue it's bat and helmet day for those under 14
Andy likes to pummel the elderly with his good friend Angela Lansbery (Andy: ABery don't like competition, yo)
Patti Ann Browne, if beauty were potpourri, I'd stick her in my smelly drawers.
Earthquake, if jokes were a swimming pool I'd splash around in his deep end.
Alison Rosen, if brains were sneakers, I'd make sure her tongue was in the right place and then tie her up.
Kevin Godlington, if bravery were Domino's Pizza, I'd be very frustrated if he didn't come within 30 minutes. Read more!
Hello readers. Just wanted to say that I've been woefully remiss in keeping this up to date this week but that will change soon, I promise. In the meantime I'll share with you some bits of insider info: Andrew Levy goes by "Andy" but regrets that people don't call him "Drew." Not only has Bill Schulz been slapped by Kylie Minogue, but he's related to a revolutionary war hero. And Greg Gutfeld wears his vacation hat even when he isn't on vacation. Read more!