The Rules of the Intro

It helps to know how they originally started. Everything was she's so or he's so. There was she's so hot, she's so sexy, she's so cute, he's so smart and he's so funny. (yes, a crapload of sexism is implied in those gender attributes, but since I'm a woman and I was writing a lot of them, I forgive all of us since to take these seriously is to seriously miss the point. plus, those weren't hard and fast rules, just the way they often broke down. anyway!) Fun fact: one of the first intros which I doubt was written much ahead of time and may have been before Greg used teleprompter was "she's sexier than a sexy sexy sex thing" or something like that. So anyway, the implied or understood part of the intro is "[he's so smart that]" if brains were blah blah blah.

now, on to the intro itself. here is your formula:

If [attribute] were [item/thing], I'd [something suggestive or funny sounding that you'd do to or with that thing].


[he's so smart that] If brains were a hotel minibar, I'd pay too much for a taste of his nuts.

It works because hotel minibars notoriously charge you way too much for a small jar of nuts. And they are HIS nuts, because in this sentence HE is a hotel minibar. But it's one further removed which has the effect of making it less prurient because we aren't even saying HE is a hotel minibar but brains are a hotel minibar. And HE is BRAINS. You know? Guest = Brains = hotel minibar.

I fear I just made something everyone intuitively knows way too complicated. I should write textbooks!

Here is another example:

[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, I'd shove a Q-tip inside him (it works because you do put q-tips in ears)

[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, I'd listen out of him-(it works because you listen with your ears)

[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, I'd hear him-(it doesn't work because you do not hear ears)

[he's so smart that] if brains were ears, children would do him on a playground-(it doesn't work because children do not do ears on a playground, you pervert)


Jeremy said...

Have you ever thought of combining those with product placements, or as tie-in with the advertisers during Red Eye? You could make some extra cash.


If charm were a hoveround power scooter, old ladies would ride him all day.

electron.john said...

Let me see if I've got this.

Is the correct form a future subjunctive conditional structure?

I feel like I'm taking the GREs again.

"The rain in Spain falls somewhere I've never been."

spaceagent said...

Nicely written Alison (at 1:48am, wow!) You should have been a physicist. Folks on The Daily Gut are really getting into writing their own intros - and that's a huge compliment to you and Greg in developing the whole copncept. How did you get involved with Red Eye in the first place?

And thanks again for documenting all the wordplay for posterity (and our enjoyment!)

electron.john said...

Alison, I think spaceagent just proposed to you. May I be a flower child?

Spaceagent said...

Grow up Electron. Try to act older than a 5 year old.

John said...

Thanks for the blogger name "John."

spaceagent, it wasn't a slam.
If I were any older, I almost would have been your grandfather, too. Are you Alan Colmes in real life?