Episode ??, aired September 22

Red Eye starts as soon as I find my teeth. I know I left them somewhere.

Welcome to Red Eye it's like Larry King, but with real hips.

INTROS:

Rebecca Gomez, if beauty were a napkin I'd wipe my mouth with her.

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.

Gabrielle Tuite, if hotness were a jigsaw puzzle I would do her on a rainy day, probably on the floor with my niece and nephew.

Kevin Godlington, if charm were osteoperosis he would make old ladies moan.

Mike Baker, if brains were a cheese log, I'd pick at his nuts.

To the Greg-alogue, your name's on the list.

Andy likes to poison water supplies of local neighborhoods with his good friend Gabe Kaplan. (Andy: G Kaps don't like crowds, yo.)

RE-INTROS:

Rebecca Gomez, if cuteness were karaoke, I'd get drunk and then do her.

Gabrielle Tuite, if sexiness were vienna sausages, I'd eat her in the can.

Kevin Godlington, if guts were a sack race, I'd do him at a picnic.

Mike Baker, if brains were a soap dispenser, I'd pump him in the bathroom.

Danica McKellar, if beauty and brains were a baton, she'd be passed around by sweaty men on a track. Read more!

Episode: ?? Date ??

(Note: someday I will get episode numbers and dates. Today is not that day.)

Red Eye starts as soon as I smear this tub of apple butter all over my chest. Oh, like you never tried it.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Lou Dobbs without the granny panties.

INTROS:

Anna Gilligan... if beauty were groceries I'd bag her and put her in my trunk.

Bill Schulz, he's not allowed in pet shops.

Amanda Carpenter... a blog I like to read while scraping bone fragments off my boots.

Ralphie May... if jokes sneakers I'd wiggle my toes inside him.

Pat Monahan... if dreaminess were a swing I'd ride him with my legs him in the air.

To the Greg-alogue, pants are half off!

Down to the newsroom where we find Andrew Levy. Andrew likes to drown postman with his good friend Gabe Kaplan.

RE-INTROS:

Anna Gilliagan... If beauty were a basketball I would bounce her up and down and throw her over my head.

Shira Lazar... she has more scoops than 31 flavors and her cones aren't so bad either.

Ralphie May... if hilarity were a baby I'd probably leave him in a sweletering car.

Pat Monahan... if talent were a tongue depressor I'd sound funny with him in my mouth. Read more!

Intro effluvia

For all the intros that get their moment of filthy glory on air, there are zillions that get emailed back and forth. Here are some:

She's so smart if brains were coins I'd roll her in my bedroom till I was ready to make a deposit

If brains were mosquitos, a little biting and sucking would make him engorged

If brains were textbooks, students would throw him down on the bed and then go have a snack

If brains were my midsection, I'd squeeze him into my jeans

If brains were a butcher counter's service bell. I'd ding him and wait for meat

If brains were a broken down car, I'd service him on the side of the road

If brains were a broken down car, I'd slide under him and begin cranking. Read more!

One which may or may not get used...

However when I wrote it, and perhaps it was because I'd been writing them for so long I lost perspective, I thought it was a stroke of pure genius:

He's so smart if brains were a monocle, he'd be on my one eye. Read more!

He's so smart… *

If brains were karaoke, I'd get drunk and do him.

If brains were a jigsaw puzzle, I'd do him on the floor on a rainy day.

If brains were a cheese log, I'd pick at his nuts.

If brains were a sack race, I'd do him at a picnic.

If brains were a soap dispenser, I'd pump him in the bathroom.

If brains were a soap dispenser, I'd pump him into my hand.

If brains were vienna sausages, I'd eat him in the can.

*most of these used on the Friday Sept 21 episode Read more!

Episode #??: Tuesday Sept 18

"Red eye starts as soon as I get the blood out of my ventriloquist’s dummy."

guests: D.L. Hughly, Alisyn Camerota, Will Leitch, Tia Williams, James Smith

Intros:

If beauty were a pinata, I'd hit her with a bat.

If beauty were pizza, I’d have her for dinner and then tomorrow for breakfast.

If hilarity were pin the tail on the donkey, I’d wear a blindfold and aim for the rear.

If good looks were baking soda, she’d soak up foul kitchen odors.

If insightful commentary were cherries, he’d be on top.

If hilarity were a tree, I would carve my initials into his trunk.

If talent were a bicycle, I would bring him to the park at 3am and ride him.
Read more!

Episode #?: Monday, Sept 17

"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like animal planet but with more penetration."

guests: Anna David, John Ziegler, Mercedes Colwin, Kelli Zink, Griff Jenkins, Lynne Koplitz, Nikki Sixx

Intros:

If beauty were popcorn, I'd have her in a theater.

If legal expertise were a gavel, I'd bang her in a courtroom.

If scoops were champagne I'd pop him on special occasions.

If jokes were landfill, she'd be one hell of a dump.

If beauty were a forest, she would be a source of wood.

If brains were shuffleboard, I would do him on a cruise ship.

If beauty were a mattress, I’d flip her so she stays firm.

If jokes were English muffins, I’d fill her nooks and crannies with butter. Read more!

Episode #??: Saturday Sept 15

"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Mr. Belvedere but the pot roast tastes suspiciously like Wesley."

guests: Tia Brown, Chris Rovzar, Kirsten Powers, Courtney Friel

Intros:

If beauty were a gong I'd bang her repeatedly

If bone structure were cramps I'd have him once a month, am I right ladies?

If charm were inappropriate touching, he'd be my uncle

If brains were mildew, she'd be all over my shower curtain

If cuteness was a Justin Timberlake poster I'd nail her above my bed

If good looks and brains were logs on a fire, I'd poke her repeatedly.

This is Bill, he buys all his clothes at American Girl.

a publication I like to read while washing the blood off my fender

Read more!

Red Eye starts

Red Eye starts when they turn the air conditioning down. I'm smuggling raisins here, people.

Red Eye starts when I finish ordering pet birds online. One murder of crows please.

Red Eye starts when I find my pet hamster. Man can those furry little bastards scurry.

Red Eye starts when I finish playing hide and seek. Ready or not Eduardo, here I come.

Red Eye starts when I take something for these cramps.

Red Eye starts when I break the sound barrier.

Red Eye starts when you tell me what's in these delicious muffins.

Red Eye starts now because if I go home first I'm not going back out.

Red Eye starts when you get it through your thick head that I'm a person with feelings too. God, I don't even know you anymore. (I don't even know who you are anymore)

Red Eye starts when you tell me why nothing I do is good enough.

Red Eye starts when I quit feeling sorry for myself.

Red Eye starts when I take trucker speed and clean the floor tiles.

Red Eye starts when I finish making stew.

Red Eye starts when I finish exfoliating.


Red Eye starts when I find the hidden image in this 3D picture. How do I do it again? Unfocus my eyes? What does that even mean?

Red Eye starts when I hide my porn.

Red Eye starts when I finish caulking these tiles.

Red Eye starts when I feng shui (phonetically: fung shway) my aura

Red Eye starts when I take some time to enjoy the view. Okay, I'm done.

Red Eye starts when I ditch this plague of locusts.

Red Eye starts when you tell me what you like best about me. Is it my eyes?

Red Eye starts when I finish taking this purity test. There's like 300 questions, people.

Red Eye starts when I train my toy poodles to smile for the camera.

Red Eye starts when I moisturize my unsightly heals.

Red Eye starts when I finish playing Flight of the Bumblebee on the bugle

Red Eye starts when I catch this spider, put it in cup and set it free outside.

Red Eye starts when I finish frosting my tips




Red Eye starts when I clip my cuticles


Red Eye starts when I remember what I was going to say. I think it was... oh nuts!


Red Eye starts when I find the perfect black cocktail dress.

Red Eye starts when I finish peeling these potatoes.

Red Eye starts when I finish my kegels.

Red Eye starts when I wake up. I'm having that dream where I really have to go to the bathroom again. OH NO!!!!!!!

Red Eye starts when you tell me what color my eyes are. You don't remember? How do you think that makes me feel?

Red Eye starts when you give me back my purse, you brute.

Red Eye starts when I finish writing fan fiction about Starlight Express. I love trains!

Red Eye starts when you quit being so selfish. Would it kill you to ask how *I'm* doing?

Red Eye starts when I get my pumps dyed to match my prom dress.

Red Eye starts when I finish saying goodnight to my stuffed animals.

Red Eye starts when I put my stuffed animals to bed. Hush! You'll wake them! (Hush, you'll wake Mr. Buttons)

Red Eye starts when I finish reading my horoscope.

Red Eye starts when I finish this crossword. Anyone know a four letter word for Richard?

Red Eye starts when I finish this jigsaw puzzle.

Red Eye starts when I put in my eyes.

Red Eye starts when I put on my face.

Red Eye starts when I wipe off this cold cream.

Red Eye starts when I finish moisturizing.

Red Eye starts when I find my pants.

Red Eye starts when the screaming stops.

Red Eye starts when I'm good and ready. I don't appreciate being rushed, people.

Red Eye starts when I finish tenting for termites. They're insatiable.

Red Eye starts when this coat of paint dries. Rust never sleeps, people.

Red Eye starts when I find my fuzzy slippers.

Red Eye starts now, which, in military time, is now.

Red Eye starts when I finish reading this Sweet Valley High book.

Red Eye starts when I finish reading this babysitters club book.


Red Eye starts when the someone tells me what's so funny. Come on guys. Do I have something on my face?

Red Eye starts when I finish photodocumenting the growth process of my baby zucchinis. Have you ever seen anything so adorable?

Red Eye starts when I finish changing all the Ds on my report card to As. Too ambitious? How about B pluses.

Red Eye starts when I figure out how to use the X-ray function on my digital camera.

Read more!

He's so smart…

if brains were a birthday cake people would sing and then I'd blow on him (people would sing while I blew him)

if brains were freeze dried ice cream, astronauts would eat him

if brains were wrinkle cream, I'd wouldn't go to sleep without rubbing him on my face

if brains were finger foods, I wouldn't know how to quit him

if brains were marshmallows, girlscouts would use him to make smores

if brains were cookies, girlscouts would sell him

if brains were a lamp I'd turn him on every night when the sun went down

if brains were collectible beanie babies I'd sell him on ebay

if brains were a sprained ankle I'd baby him

if brains were contacts I'd clean him out and then put him on my eyeballs

if brains were tentacles, he'd be an octopus

if brains were binge drinking, he'd be a sorority house
Read more!

Episode #??: Friday Sept 14

"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like That's Incredible but it's been downgraded to mildly interesting."

guests: Alicia Quarles, Regan Burns, Kerry Howley, Mike Baker, David Cronenberg

intros used:

She's so hot she could heat up fish sticks in her armpits.

She's so hot she makes my hair frizz and girlfriend, you don't want to see that.

If jokes were paint thinner, I'd stick my head in a paper bag and sniff him.

If intelligence were a bumper car, I'd ram him repeatedly.

If jokes were pancakes, I'd smother him with butter and then eat him.

If talent were mustard, I'd squirt him on my hot dog.

If brains were romaine lettuce and a nice vinaigrette, I'd toss that salad.

Read more!

He's so smart…

If brains were a roller coaster I'd ride him till I puked

if brains were dice I would go to vegas and roll him

if brains were stamps, nerds would collect him

if brains were stamps his back would be sticky


if brains were scrapes/bruises I'd have him on my knees.

if brains were dice I would blow on him and then roll him Read more!

She's…

so sweet she attracts flies

so sweet bees try to pollinate her

so cute she dots her i's with actual babies

so cute she makes fertile women drop an egg
Read more!

Episode #??: Thursday Sept 13

"Welcome to Red Eye, it's like The Nine, but in the shower it looks like the six."

guests: Julie Banderas, Michelle Collins, Ainsley Earhardt, Dawn Yanek, Jonathan Hoenig

intros:

If beauty were marshmallows, boy scouts would roast her over an open fire.

If brains were a lamp I'd turn him on every night.

She's funnier than Funky Winkerbean flashing the Family Circus.

If beauty were herbs I'd rub her on my meat.

If beauty were gray hair Bill Maher would be plucking her from his pelvis.

She's funnier than Luanne beating Cathy to death while a sad Fred Bassett looks on.

If beauty were a pumpkin I would carve her open and scoop out her insides. Read more!

So awesome… (plus some miscellaneous ones)

So awesome that if he were standing in between two mirrors it would be infinite awesomeness

So awesome that the only thing that would be more awesome than him would be him surrounded by clones of him

so incredible that it makes other incredible things seem only somewhat spectacular by comparison

so adorable that gnomes, fairies and woodland sprites recently voted her their queen

she's so awesome that if I were to make a list of my top ten awesome things, she'd definitely be in the top five.


She's so magical she can make things disappear in front of your very eyes including but not limited to dignity and pants.


so attractive she creates her own gravitational pull

So magnetic you should keep her away from your hard drive


it's more entertaining than a circus filled with clowns and not those down on their luck sad bum clowns but showered, friendly clowns.

Sweeter than a baby farting in its sleep

she's so awesome/wonderful/whatever/adorably edible that four out of five babies prefer her to melba toast

she's so awesome that four out of five babies prefer her to a bottle

she's so intoxicating that four out of five winos prefer her to a bottle





it's (she's, he's, etc.) so cool that eskimos have 43 words for it (for her, for him, etc.)


so adorable she makes grown men develop a speech impediment

so adorable she makes grown men speak like elmer fudd

so adorable she's makes Wilford Brimley blush


so sweet most pastry chefs prefer her to real sugar (could add: in their recipes)

so sweet that old ladies prefer her to hard candy

so sweet that most housewives prefer her to fresh cut flowers

so legendary that it's rumored that aesop based a number of his fables on him

so legendary that if VH1 did a hundred legendary performers countdown he'd be number 1 through 10.

So good on Good Times that I'm making it my personal mission to have the show's name changed to Great Times.

Good Times? More like Great Times

Good Times? More like Great Times, Mr. Understated Pants

so awesome that if awesomevania had a president, he'd win by a landslide. sadly awesomevania is ruled by unicorns and has no electoral college.

so incredible that I went to see that Disney movie The Incredibles thinking it was going to be about him. It wasn't so I left and saw finding nemo instead.

so charming lucky charms wanted to ditch the leprechaun and make her (or him) their mascot




so amazing that more than one third grader has written a book report about her

so awesome that kids want to bring her in for show and tell

He's so British he puts crumpets on his crumpets

He drives on the left side of the road and keeps dead bodies in the "boot" of his car


So awesome she's more awesome than all other Janices combined including Janis Joplin, Janice Dickinson and Janice from Friends! Read more!

So sweet…

She's so sweet that when a dog sneezes, she says god bless you

She's so sweet that she actually thinks orphans are real children

She's so sweet that she actually thinks parents love all their children equally, teachers don't have favorites, and bill isn't (or I'm not) undressing her with his (my) eyes right this minute

She's so sweet that when we dropped her during the trust fall, she didn't even get mad at us!

She's so sweet that when we had a trust fall before the show and dropped her, she didn't even get mad! Read more!

So smart…

so smart he's never messed up a game of simon says in his life, not even when he was in preschool!

so smart he was taking AP classes in pre-school

so smart his neck literally aches from holding up his ginormous head

so smart that if this were a movie they'd have to get a computer to play him

so smart that he's never lost a game of computer chess

so smart that people would kill to wear his thinking cap

so smart that he can tell time without consulting a watch, clock or other timepiece

so smart that he does quantum physics for fun

so smart that he smells like raw brainpower

so smart that he reads the dictionary for fun. his favorite letter is B

so smart that he is to intelligence as turtles are to slowness

so smart that he is to intelligence as the guy in my basement (guy I have tied up in my basement) is to not going anywhere-ness

so smart that he does word problems for fun while traveling on a train going West at 70 miles an hour while his brother travels by bus going the opposite direction at 60 miles an hour.

so smart she aced all her finals and all her friends finals

so smart she knows the difference between brads, binder clips, thumbtacks and push pins

so smart he never gets papercuts or hangnails

so smart that his friends call those candies smarties, [guest name]-ies

so smart that ancient sailors used to use nothing more than his mind and a compass to guide their ships to safety

so smart that he actually knows what a stitch in time saves nine means, and he's been applying it to his sewing endeavors for years now

so smart that his pen pals include Stephen Hawking, Father time, a dolphin and yoda

so smart that yoda considers him a mentor

so smart that he's smarter than a guru sandwich with brilliant pickles and shaman sauce served with a side of brainiac chips

He's so smart that he's qualified to give tours in 6 major urban markets including Boston, Chicago and Big Sur

He's so smart that if I ever went on Who Wants to be a Millionaire I would ask him to be my lifeline

He's so smart that he's currently in talks to become the eighth natural wonder of the world

So smart he knows the sine, cosine and tangent of every angle in his house and he doesn't even use a protractor

So smart he knew where babies came from before the stork even delivered him

So smart he eats his dinner on a multiplication table

So smart that in the case of a blackout or emergency you could harness his mental output until help came

So smart that his brain actually gives off heat

So smart that he can crack any code or combination lock

So smart that he can crack any code including morse

So smart his brain could power a small dingy (a yacht or schooner? A cruiseship?)

So smart that he can say the alphabet backwards (and parallel park) even when he's totally drunk! (totally wasted!)

So smart that he never loses a game of Jenga

So smart that he never forgets to put his appliances on timers when he goes on vacation

So smart that he figured out the plots to Citizen Kane, Fight Club and Sixth Sense just from watching the trailers

So smart that if I dedicated a book to her it would say "this book is dedicated to [guest name]. Thank you for being so smart."

So smart that he never burns his mouth drinking hot chocolate

He's so smart that he knows the difference between steam, vapor and mist

He's so smart that if he had a column it would be called "ask a smart guy" and it would blow your mind!

He's so smart that if thermometers measured brain power, not heat, he still wouldn't take it rectally

He's so smart that to him long division is more like short division

Hes so smart he did his taxes using an abacas, and still got a refund… in beads!

so smart he does the SATs for fun, in his underwear

So smart he can figure out Mad magazine fold-ins, without even folding them!


So smart that his name is synonymous with smart which is why if you hit me I will say "ouch, that [guest name]s"


He's so smart that it's not even funny, it's just impressive!

He's so smart that the first word he ever said was dada, but he wasn't referring to his father, he was referring to the cultural movement

(or: He's so smart that like most kids, the first word he ever said was dada, but unlike most kids, he was referring to the cultural movement)

He's so smart that he knows exactly what price to start the bidding at on ebay

He's so smart that he knows the real names for all the pieces on a chess board. even the horsies!

He's so smart that he's never lost a game of hangman

She's so smart that if facts were hot dogs, she'd be takeru kobayashi—before the freaky jaw problem

She's so smart that her brain barely fits in her head

She's so smart that she had to get her head stretched to fit her brain. Sadly now none of her hats fit

She's so smart that she never believed in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy

She's so smart that she knows which came first, the chicken or the egg, but for reasons I don't understand, refuses to tell anyone.

She's so smart that she knows how to use the graphing function on her scientific calculator!

So smart he can speak esperanto, but chooses not to.

So smart he always knows the perfect ratio of coffee grounds to water

So smart he never messes up you're and your

(but once he messed up too and to)

So smart he pronounces harassment [harASSment] like harassment [HAIRassment]

So smart he knows how to call any sort of hotline and get a live human instantly. Well, not instantly, but pretty quickly

So smart as a child he actually taught his parents how to tie their shoes and tell time

So smart he never messes up left and right

So smart he can find any sunken chest or hidden treasure in less than ten minutes

So smart he's no longer allowed to compete in televised game shows

so smart that when he has that dream where he's back in school and there's a big test he didn't prepare for he aces it

so smart that when he's bored he doodles... the periodic table of the elements


he's so smart that if you cheated off him in school you'd have to make sure to fudge a couple answers or else the teacher would totally know you cheated—that's how smart he is! and how dumb you are!

he's so smart he can operate a short wave radio

he's so smart he knows just how long to put things in the microwave for

So smart he's never once called tech support in his entire life

So smart tech support calls him for assistance

So smart he can put together an Ikea bookshelf without any pieces left over

So smart crossword puzzles do him!

So interesting he can't even put his computer to sleep?

So smart he doesn't even use spellcheck

So smart he knows the difference between entomology and etymology

so SMART he knows what I'm going to say before I say it... in Latin!

He's so quick/smart that what a regular person can accomplish in a New York minute only takes him a New York second

He's so smart that when he tells you why you're wrong and he's right it's less annoying than if he were just some dumb guy doing it Read more!

He's so funny…

So funny that he's been arrested twice for starting a laugh riot

So funny that he cracks up English bobbies. They think he's jolly good and brilliant when he takes the piss

So funny that when his friends say drop me a line, he sends them punch lines!

So funny that funny babies prefer his comedy to breast milk

So funny that you shouldn't drink any fluids for about 6 hours before seeing him

so funny that he is to comedy as puppies are to adorable

so funny that he is to comedy as I am to sexiness

so funny that a massage from her is called comic relief, with happy ending

So funny that it's not even funny.

So funny that he'll make you chuckle, chortle, guffaw, snort, whinny, giggle and snicker. in that order!

so funny that doctors in yucaipa california wanted to rename the funny bone the [guest name] bone

so funny that all his bones are funny bones

so funny that he'll make you laugh so hard you'll puke out your eyeballs

so funny that if he were any funnier I'd send him a note, probably a shoebox greeting, that said excuse me but could you please try to be less funny? Then if he didn't respond within five to seven business days I'd have him killed. And then I'd laugh, because that was a really funny guy I just killed!


So funny that the other night he walked into a bar and the bartender said "I'm sorry, we don't serve funny people," and he couldn't get a drink all night!

So funny it's tough to be in public with him because people are always coming up to him and laughing.

So funny that if you told him your problems he'd probably just make a bunch of jokes. You wouldn't feel any better, you might feel worse actually, but you'd walk away thinking wow, that guy's really funny.

So funny that if he had personalized license plates they'd say Ffunny. He'd wish that said funny but that was already taken.

So funny that when he dies he's donating his organs to comedy.

so funny he's funnier than a rubber chicken with a fake arrow through its head stuffed into a whoopie cushion and then left in the backseat of a volkswagon filled with clowns

Funnier than a baby sleep farting

So funny that he's been arrested twice for starting a laugh riot

So funny that his first words were "knock knock"

So funny that immediately after being born he said "take my midwife, please"

So funny he's funnier than a 12 spit takes and 14 pratfalls

So funny he's funnier than a clown slipping on a banana peel and falling into a pool of fake vomit

Funnier than stoners trying to pretend they aren't stoned

Funnier than that funny guy who says "is this running local?" in a crowded elevator

Same as above but substitute "moo" or "do you smell that?"

So funny that if laughter was the best medicine, he'd be a doctor. Sadly it's not, penicillin is, and he's just a comedian.

So funny that he was given an honorary degree from clown college

So funny he graduated early from clown college

So funny that me makes me R.O.T.F.L.M.A.O. (or just LMAO)

So funny that he totally makes me L.O.L.!

So funny that he doesn't even have to use emoticons. People just know he's joking!

So funny that if jokes were garlic cloves, he'd be 100 percent vampire-free

So funny that when he knocks, people always say "who's there?"

So funny that he could run over you in a golf cart and you'd think "hey, a really funny guy just ran over me with a golf cart! that's so funny"

So funny that he's often called upon to provide the in flight entertainment on transatlantic flights

He's so funny that if jokes could cure cancer, he'd be a miracle worker. Sadly jokes can't cure cancer, but his are still very funny

So funny that if jokes could cure feline aids, everyone would bring him their cats

So funny that if this were a movie, the part of him would be played by a whoopie cushion

So funny he'll make you shoot milk out your nose, even if you aren't drinking milk Read more!

She's so cute…

so cute she's cuter than a pet turtle that has its own smaller pet turtle

so cute that if she were a Grey's Anatomy character she'd be McCutie

so cute she puts the cute in prosecutor

so cute nine out of ten manicurists agree that even her cuticles are cute

She's so cute she's cuter than a hello kitty lunchbox with a garfield thermos in it

she's cuter than a ziggy wall calendar

so cute she can't go anywhere without getting pulled over for unlawful cuteness

so cute she has to carry a permit

so cute that if she were a dinosaur she'd be a cute-ceratops (or a cute-osaurus rex). her best friend would be a cute-icorn.

so cute that cars in front of her should have bumper stickers that say "if you can read this, you're too cute"

so cute that her bathroom mirror has a warning that says "objects in mirror may appear cuter than they are"

so cute that when she flies internationally (or: when she goes through customs), she has to declare her cuteness.

once she smuggled it in a shampoo bottle!

so cute that if cuteness were pot, stoners would bake her into a brownie

so cute that hallmark tried to buy the rights to her image

so cute that in high school she was always getting busted for public displays of cuteness

so cute she's cuter than a forest of bonsai trees

so cute keebler elves made her their mascot

so cute her friends always let her go first in monopoly because how could you say no to someone that cute?

so cute she literally wrote the book on cuteness. it's called the book on cuteness and it started as her dissertation (grad school thesis)

so cute she's cuter than a gnome battling a thunderstorm with a cocktail umbrella

so cute she's cuter than a smurf using a cocktail umbrella

so cute she's cuter than an army of ants carrying something 40 times their weight

so cute she's cuter than an army of ants carrying something 40 times their weight... like a puppy!

so cute she was made the editor at large of cute weekly

so cute that spiders won't even bite her

so cute that if she gained a bunch of weight she'd still be really cute, just cute and pudgy/fat

So cute that she holds the Guinness World Book record for cuteness, beating out a baby seal and a miniature horse wearing tiny sneakers

So cute that she could say something horribly racist and you'd probably let it slide because she's so cute!

So cute that she when she sneezes it's as if she sprays a fine mist of cuteness all around her

She's so cute that if she invented a color, it'd be pink

She's so cute that even bitchy high school girls think she's cute

She's so cute that even cheerleaders think she's cute

She's so cute that zoologists tried to raise her by hand

She's so cute that zoologists tried to hand feed her

So cute that she's often called upon by members of the media to speak out on the topic of being cute, making her something of a cute expert.

So cute that when she was a baby other babies around her stopped even trying to be cute, because what's the point, that's how cute she is

So cute she had to get her cuteness insured for five billion gazillion trillion dollars. Still not enough, if you ask me.

So cute she could have a parasite like ringworm or tapeworm and you'd still think she's cute

She's so cute that if she were walking an adorable puppy down the street people would stop the puppy to play with her!

cuter than identical twins.... dressed identically!

so cute she could make a sandwich out of baby heads and you'd still think she's cute.

so cute she could wear a coat made of baby seals and Peta wouldn't even spray her with ketchup.

she's so cute her driver's license photo looks like a glamor shot

Cuter than the face a baby makes when dreaming about breastfeeding

Cuter than a baby dreaming about puppies wearing sweaters. And not just any puppies but labradoodles.

So cute if she were a healthy cereal it'd be called cute-nuts and people would probably sprinkle it on their yogurt

So cute she could stab you with a letter opener and even though it would hurt, you'd still think she's cute

So cute she can use the express lane at the grocery store even if she's buying more than 10 items and no one minds!

So cute people always let her cut in line. Especially at the free clinic where she does cute outreach.

So cute she could give away free carwashes and people would still give her money. She'd probably turn around and give it to ugly people, that's how cute she is.

So cute if you mixed her with nuts and raisins you could call it cute mix and four out of five campers (outdoors enthusiasts) would prefer it to trail mix!

she's cuter than a stable full of my pretty ponies

she's cuter than a canopy bed covered with kittens

she's cuter than a Barbie suitcase full of strawberry shortcake dolls

(could add: covered in the Little Mermaid's blood OR covered in pixie dust)

So cute she's cuter than the 12 Pillsbury dough boys and 16 ducklings

So cute she's cuter than Bambi

So cute she's cuter than Glomer, punky brewster's friend who lived at the end of a rainbow

So cute Care Bears commit hari kari around her

So cute she doesn't even have to dot her I's with hearts or draw smiley faces in her o's

so cute she makes babies look like trolls

so cute she makes puppies look like gremlins. not the cute ones, but the ugly green ones.

so cute she once dressed up as cupid for halloween and people thought she was dressed as herself

so cute she once dressed as cupid for halloween and people asked why she didn't dress up

so cute she makes muppet babies weep

so cute she goes confetti in her diaper

so cute she's cuter than Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail

so cute she's cuter than Meg Ryan, and everyone thinks she's cute

So cute she's cuter than a puppy tripping on its own ears

So cute she's cuter than basset hound tripping on its own ears

So cute that if she were to invent a toiletry it would be cute-tips. Sadly she'd probably get sued by Q-tips

Cuter than all four of the designing women

She's so cute that teenage girls get in trouble for writing her name on
their keds

So cute she's cuter than people posting pictures of their cats on the internet

So cute she's cuter than a little kid trying to pronounce a word and getting it totally wrong

So cute she's cuter than when the dogs eat spaghetti in the lady and the tramp

So cute she's cuter than the robot from Short Circuit

So cute she's cuter than a dog with a piece of confetti stuck to its nose

so cute that the franklin mint can't keep her limited edition collectors plate in stock

So cute that if she were one of the seven dwarfs she'd be cutie.

So cute that you might think she wears a cute suit but she doesn't, she's really that cute!

So cute that she tests positive for cuteness and doctors agree there's nothing they can do (doctors agree its terminal)

She's so cute that teenage girls get in trouble for doodling her on their keds

So cute she donates smiles to charity

So cute that old people leap out of wheelchairs to pinch her cheeks.

So cute that her cheeks are constantly sore from people trying to pinch them

So cute she’s cuter than a preemie that’s small enough to be cute but old enough to not be deformed

So cute she’s cuter than a brand new baby that’s small enough to be cute but old enough not to have a deformed head


So cute she’s cuter than a chicken pecking a song on a tiny piano


She's so cute when she was born the doctor said "congratulations, it's a-dorable!"

She's so cute she's cuter than a threeway between jem and the holograms, josie and the pussycats and rainbow brite

She's so cute she's cuter than a jem and the holograms sandwich dipped in josie and the pussycats gravy washed down with a refreshing glass of freshly squeezed rainbow brite

Cuter than a toddler pushing a puppy in a stroller

Cuter than tweetie bird and woodstock combined

Cuter than a photomontage of a labrador raising a litter of puppies but one of them is a duckling that also lives on the farm

Cuter than a kid saying the darnedest thing!

So cute that if they were to make a movie version of her life they'd probably have to get a chipmunk or a smurf to play her, that's how cute she is!

She's so cute that she could borrow your favorite album, probably We Sing Silly Songs, or Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul on audiobook, and never return it and you wouldn't even get mad.

Cuter than a bag of sleeping kittens left in the backseat of a car, but with the window cracked


Cuter than a pile of stillborns... I mean still lifes! A pile of paintings! She's cuter than paintings of fruit, which everyone knows are very cute!


Cuter than a bag full of sleeping kittens... Tied to a brick at the bottom of the ocean


Cuter than an omelet with bits of Wilbur and Babe in it!

She's so cute that if it turned out she were a serial killer her neighbors would be surprised and "[guest name]? But she was so cute"

She's so cute her neighbors are always knocking on her door asking to borrow a cup of cute.

She's so cute you might think she hatched from cute eggs.... if you didn't really understand where babies came from.

She might wash down the babyhead sandwich with a puppy smoothie. or a pina colada made of puppies. Read more!

She's so hot…

so hot she causes my glasses to fog up, and I don't even wear glasses!

so hot that if she were to put on one of those hypercolor tshirts, which are the ones that change colors, it wouldn't even change colors, it would just melt

so hot that she confuses mood rings

so hot firemen try to put her out. its funny the first few times it happens and you're hanging out with her but then it just gets annoying

so hot she could wear a retainer or headgear and she'd still be hot

so hot she's hotter than a kiln—it's what potters bake their clay in, and it's very hot

so hot she can cook hot pockets just by holding them

so hot she had to have her apartment zoned for hotness

so hot she can restart cars simply by holding the jumper cables

so hot she sets off smoke alarms. it's actually quite socially debilitating

so hot she's hotter than a bunson burner and a franklin stove combined

so hot we tried to take a photo of her using thermal infrared imaging and the machine blew up

so hot she makes my hair frizz. and girlfriend, you do not want to see that.

so hot the creators of that website hot or not briefly considered calling it [name] or not

She's so hot that it's physically impossible for her to build a snowman.

so hot if she ran a fever she would explode

so hot she explodes on contact

so hot her skin sticks to leather furniture, even in the winter. it's so painful that she cries tears which evaporate instantly, because she's so hot

so hot she cries lava

so hot that just standing next to her is giving me a heat rash

so hot that she just calls a heat rash a rash

she's so hot she's been banned from ice skating rinks and ski slopes because she's a liability

so hot that if you look up hot in the dictionary you'd just see a burn mark from where the picture of her caught on fire

so hot she's flammable

so hot she'll never know the joy of flame retardant camping gear

so hot that in the event of a blackout, all you need is her. and a shortwave radio and some peanut butter, but that's just good sense.

so hot she can say words like crust, moist, scab and rabies and still I'm aroused. Okay fine, those words always have that effect on me.

she's so hot she makes sports fans lose interest in the game. especially if that game is croquet.

so hot she melts computers

she's so hot she glows in the dark

she's so hot scientists are applying for grants to study her right this very minute

she's so hot she makes hot chocolate look like chocolate milk... really cold chocolate milk

she's so hot she makes milk coagulate

She's so hot just looking at her makes me lose interest in my hobbies. My hobbies are sudoku and some light knitting, if you're wondering (or: my hobbies are the word jumble and tickle fights, if you're wondering)

so hot you need tongs to handle her

She's so hot that it would be physically impossible for her to burn her mouth drinking hot chocolate even if it was heated up to a million degrees!

She's so hot that clothes melt right off her

So hot she turns meat to jerky just by looking at it

So hot she makes you want to take off your clothes and then remove your skin (and beat yourself with it)

So hot the cops are looking for her right now

So hot she gives other hot people eating disorders. It's sad.

So hot she melts cassette tapes. I just lost Aerosmith's Greatest Hits.

So hot you could fry an egg on her face.

So hot she's responsible for global warming

so hot she confuses thermoses

so hot she makes tierra del fuego look like tierra del frio

so hot lizards and turtles want to sun themselves on her face

so hot she could spontaneously combust any minute now

so hot there's a waiting list just to talk to her. I was told I'm next in line. keep your fingers crossed, people

so hot she turns frozen yogurt into soup

so hot she turns Antarctica into soup.

so hot mechanics can't even look under her hood

so hot she puts to bed the question of if it's the heat or the humidity. it's neither, it's [name]!

so hot people around her don't even ask whether it's the heat or the humidity. they just drop dead.

so hot people around her don't even ask whether it's the heat or the humidity, they just fall in love.

so hot volcanoes refuse to be photographed next to her

so hot baby booms can be traced back to her, if you know what I'm saying

so hot she causes surges in the population

so hot she'll melt your hard drive

She's so hot she makes things evaporate on contact especially but not limited to pants

so hot she'll melt your credit cards

so hot she makes tea kettles spontaneously whistle

so hot you could apply her to your soft-tissue injuries to promote faster healing

so hot you need tongs to handle her

so hot she'll destroy your perishables

so hot she'll melt your perishables Read more!

He's so smart…

If brains were lobsters, I'd break his claws in half.

If brains were oysters, I'd slurp him raw.

If brains were pancakes, he'd be IHOP Read more!