So smart…

so smart he's never messed up a game of simon says in his life, not even when he was in preschool!

so smart he was taking AP classes in pre-school

so smart his neck literally aches from holding up his ginormous head

so smart that if this were a movie they'd have to get a computer to play him

so smart that he's never lost a game of computer chess

so smart that people would kill to wear his thinking cap

so smart that he can tell time without consulting a watch, clock or other timepiece

so smart that he does quantum physics for fun

so smart that he smells like raw brainpower

so smart that he reads the dictionary for fun. his favorite letter is B

so smart that he is to intelligence as turtles are to slowness

so smart that he is to intelligence as the guy in my basement (guy I have tied up in my basement) is to not going anywhere-ness

so smart that he does word problems for fun while traveling on a train going West at 70 miles an hour while his brother travels by bus going the opposite direction at 60 miles an hour.

so smart she aced all her finals and all her friends finals

so smart she knows the difference between brads, binder clips, thumbtacks and push pins

so smart he never gets papercuts or hangnails

so smart that his friends call those candies smarties, [guest name]-ies

so smart that ancient sailors used to use nothing more than his mind and a compass to guide their ships to safety

so smart that he actually knows what a stitch in time saves nine means, and he's been applying it to his sewing endeavors for years now

so smart that his pen pals include Stephen Hawking, Father time, a dolphin and yoda

so smart that yoda considers him a mentor

so smart that he's smarter than a guru sandwich with brilliant pickles and shaman sauce served with a side of brainiac chips

He's so smart that he's qualified to give tours in 6 major urban markets including Boston, Chicago and Big Sur

He's so smart that if I ever went on Who Wants to be a Millionaire I would ask him to be my lifeline

He's so smart that he's currently in talks to become the eighth natural wonder of the world

So smart he knows the sine, cosine and tangent of every angle in his house and he doesn't even use a protractor

So smart he knew where babies came from before the stork even delivered him

So smart he eats his dinner on a multiplication table

So smart that in the case of a blackout or emergency you could harness his mental output until help came

So smart that his brain actually gives off heat

So smart that he can crack any code or combination lock

So smart that he can crack any code including morse

So smart his brain could power a small dingy (a yacht or schooner? A cruiseship?)

So smart that he can say the alphabet backwards (and parallel park) even when he's totally drunk! (totally wasted!)

So smart that he never loses a game of Jenga

So smart that he never forgets to put his appliances on timers when he goes on vacation

So smart that he figured out the plots to Citizen Kane, Fight Club and Sixth Sense just from watching the trailers

So smart that if I dedicated a book to her it would say "this book is dedicated to [guest name]. Thank you for being so smart."

So smart that he never burns his mouth drinking hot chocolate

He's so smart that he knows the difference between steam, vapor and mist

He's so smart that if he had a column it would be called "ask a smart guy" and it would blow your mind!

He's so smart that if thermometers measured brain power, not heat, he still wouldn't take it rectally

He's so smart that to him long division is more like short division

Hes so smart he did his taxes using an abacas, and still got a refund… in beads!

so smart he does the SATs for fun, in his underwear

So smart he can figure out Mad magazine fold-ins, without even folding them!

So smart that his name is synonymous with smart which is why if you hit me I will say "ouch, that [guest name]s"

He's so smart that it's not even funny, it's just impressive!

He's so smart that the first word he ever said was dada, but he wasn't referring to his father, he was referring to the cultural movement

(or: He's so smart that like most kids, the first word he ever said was dada, but unlike most kids, he was referring to the cultural movement)

He's so smart that he knows exactly what price to start the bidding at on ebay

He's so smart that he knows the real names for all the pieces on a chess board. even the horsies!

He's so smart that he's never lost a game of hangman

She's so smart that if facts were hot dogs, she'd be takeru kobayashi—before the freaky jaw problem

She's so smart that her brain barely fits in her head

She's so smart that she had to get her head stretched to fit her brain. Sadly now none of her hats fit

She's so smart that she never believed in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy

She's so smart that she knows which came first, the chicken or the egg, but for reasons I don't understand, refuses to tell anyone.

She's so smart that she knows how to use the graphing function on her scientific calculator!

So smart he can speak esperanto, but chooses not to.

So smart he always knows the perfect ratio of coffee grounds to water

So smart he never messes up you're and your

(but once he messed up too and to)

So smart he pronounces harassment [harASSment] like harassment [HAIRassment]

So smart he knows how to call any sort of hotline and get a live human instantly. Well, not instantly, but pretty quickly

So smart as a child he actually taught his parents how to tie their shoes and tell time

So smart he never messes up left and right

So smart he can find any sunken chest or hidden treasure in less than ten minutes

So smart he's no longer allowed to compete in televised game shows

so smart that when he has that dream where he's back in school and there's a big test he didn't prepare for he aces it

so smart that when he's bored he doodles... the periodic table of the elements

he's so smart that if you cheated off him in school you'd have to make sure to fudge a couple answers or else the teacher would totally know you cheated—that's how smart he is! and how dumb you are!

he's so smart he can operate a short wave radio

he's so smart he knows just how long to put things in the microwave for

So smart he's never once called tech support in his entire life

So smart tech support calls him for assistance

So smart he can put together an Ikea bookshelf without any pieces left over

So smart crossword puzzles do him!

So interesting he can't even put his computer to sleep?

So smart he doesn't even use spellcheck

So smart he knows the difference between entomology and etymology

so SMART he knows what I'm going to say before I say it... in Latin!

He's so quick/smart that what a regular person can accomplish in a New York minute only takes him a New York second

He's so smart that when he tells you why you're wrong and he's right it's less annoying than if he were just some dumb guy doing it

1 comment:

Ted from Accounting said...

I haven't posted in "It's Just Wordplay" for a while...but here is another attempt at airtime!

If brains were a hot tub, I'd strip off all my clothes and get inside of her.