Episode ??, aired September 22

Red Eye starts as soon as I find my teeth. I know I left them somewhere.

Welcome to Red Eye it's like Larry King, but with real hips.


Rebecca Gomez, if beauty were a napkin I'd wipe my mouth with her.

Bill Schulz, my grotesque sidekick.

Gabrielle Tuite, if hotness were a jigsaw puzzle I would do her on a rainy day, probably on the floor with my niece and nephew.

Kevin Godlington, if charm were osteoperosis he would make old ladies moan.

Mike Baker, if brains were a cheese log, I'd pick at his nuts.

To the Greg-alogue, your name's on the list.

Andy likes to poison water supplies of local neighborhoods with his good friend Gabe Kaplan. (Andy: G Kaps don't like crowds, yo.)


Rebecca Gomez, if cuteness were karaoke, I'd get drunk and then do her.

Gabrielle Tuite, if sexiness were vienna sausages, I'd eat her in the can.

Kevin Godlington, if guts were a sack race, I'd do him at a picnic.

Mike Baker, if brains were a soap dispenser, I'd pump him in the bathroom.

Danica McKellar, if beauty and brains were a baton, she'd be passed around by sweaty men on a track.


Jeremy said...

I hope you plan on collecting these in a book, like like Rich Hall did with his "Sniglets" back in the 80s.
It could be the next big thing.

Of course, then 20 years from now, no one will remember you except people like me who have nothing better to do on a Saturday than post comments on a blog. And even I am had to look it up on Wikipedia to remember just what the hell a sniglet actually was. (Wasn't as funny as I remembered, either)

electron john said...

Wow, Alison. You're better than that ventriloquist guy on America's Got Talent this summer. I can't see your mouth moving when Greg speaks. You've got a rather low voice for a hot chick. Kinda scary I must say. Hormones?

scott said...

If wordplay was a massage table, I'd lay on her with my face buried in her hole.

scott said...

electric john: If the ability to appreciate ventriloquism was the electric mixer attachment my mom made cake frosting with, I'd lick him clean after my mom used him.

scott said...

If beauty was jalapeƱo chips in a school vending machine, I'd eat her between periods.

Anonymous said...

Man, I gotta give the devil his due. Scott, I think that one has to top the list of all time. I think it's the only one I've ever laughed out loud on. Greg would be wise to use that one. Kudos!!!!
I also think the salad tossing one was the best one all time for Greg.
Keep em' coming scott, you have talent.....


scott said...

I've never felt better about myself than I do right now. My step-dad was wrong. Thanks.